Inertia

It that time of year again.
Except this time I was productive and got my driver's licence. I'm driving to Annie's place tomorrow for a small party.

Now I'm stuck writing a letter of intent for Masters of Biotech at UTM. Am I a business-minded individual. I don't know. I have 2/3 references and I'm waiting on 2 professors to respond.

Imagine

Imagine if you were in a car accident yesterday. Or your electric toothbrush decided to switch into turbo mode and destroy half your face. What would you, as a girl, feel?
How would you respond to a scarred and recontoured face that was neither beautiful nor yours?

outwards or inwards

this is a question that I've asked myself the most frequently during these past two years.

I tend to see communicating with others as a phenomenon that brings you out of a shell you've created for yourself. It's important to have both attributes, a balance of extroversion and introversion. When I tutor math I feel this shell coming back. The fear of math problems came back slowly, but now that I'm going more often I fear this is going to be an endless cycle. Is it too selfish of me to ask for more chemistry students when there are clearly so many people that need help with math? And is it okay to not remember how to do a problem? 

lost in a sea of people

how do you find someone you've seen but never talk to? how do you know they're good for you?
what if you know they're within close proximity to you but you're afraid of being seen as a stalker?
how do you float in this tidal wave of loneliness?

Dream

I had a dream where I was at Subway getting a sub with lots of cheese and meat and vegetable toppings. The top bun wouldn't fit on top of the sub so I took it separately and went to do an engineering project with it. Duncan and Emily were at school already doing the project. We had to use various objects to cover telephone lines, so I brought the bread to a random telephone pole. Another friend was already there and she had put on various things like sponges and stuffed toys on the telephone lines. She was touching the lines and not getting shocked but I knew it was dangerous and angrily yelled at her. She threw down a pink cell phone and told me to call Duncan to bring more bread from the sub. I called him and he arrived quickly. I worried about the sub not being covered. We all put the bread on the telephone line.

sleeping late these days

I can't seem to sleep until like 2 or 3 am these past couple of days. Tonight I made instant noodles by 1:30 am, and devoured them vigorously until 2:30 am. I predict digestion will make its way through the night leaving me sleepless until 3 am. But I'm not that worried, because everything is all right with school and life and everything.

🍰🎂🍰
On the 29th I went to my own karaoke party and sang a lot of chinese pop songs. Then we all went to get hotpot at celebrity hotpot. Then we made our way to Rush Lane and had a couple of drinks. 

On the evening of the 30th I went to the UTPT tutoring orientation and was freaked out. U of T has such high expectations for the tutors' behaviours, making me want to quit and take things the easy high school way, where they don't care as much. But I decided to go for it, and maybe even get to tutor some people in biochemistry or organic chemistry...or personalized medicine (smirk). I was surprised that Andy Dicks the organic chem prof was the head of the group, and it was great to hear that he loves teaching.

Afterwards I met up with Andrew to eat cheese-coated ribs. We hung out for a bit at his messy apartment and he showed me a really bad cantonese music video called sugar baby by ffx. There were lyrics like "I'm ready be your wife" sang in really high terriblly autotuned voices. He talked about how easy life would be if he was gay because sex and relationships would just be easier and he didn't have to deal with emotional drama associated with girls. He was being serious. Unfortunately dicks gross him out, so he is trapped in this tortuous cycle of binary existence. Refreshing as it was I think he's just afraid of commitment and having to deal with people.

After THAT ordeal I went to meet up with Anne, Jonathan, and Anthony at the open mic at Amsterdam Bicycle Club. She ended up bringing Kallum (this weird 19 year old guy) to the thing. I filmed a portion of their set and put it on their instagram story. They wished me a happy birthday onstage and people clapped. :)


Today Nov 1st I went to CALC to tutor and Laura watched me and interacted with me and the students as I was teaching them math. It went really well, and after the tutoring session Joy and I went to see Laura and talked about the students not learning their basic english or math causing a lot of difficulties in the classes. I suggested that she talk to Natasha about the schedules for the tutors and tutees. She said she would draft a reference letter and I could come into CALC another day to talk about it with her. SHE IS SO ON TOP OF THINGS I LOVE IT

Then I took the subway to spadina with Joy while talking about nursing and tutoring. At the physics lab I successfully solved a question that I learned the night before and it felt great. I wish all the questions were this easy for me to understand and solve quickly ha. A lab administrator came by to ask our group to volunteer one person to go to a focus group in a couple of weeks to help improve physics labs, which I said I would go to. He encouraged me to speak with him about education in his office later. When I got home I e-mailed Dr. Sage about the OISE reference and he got back to me in an hour I swear......everything seems all set to go for OISE, but I feel like I can only focus on one application at a time to avoid bothering my references too much.

It was a really productive day.

wow

"the 21st century’s wormy world is likely to comprise mosaics of parasite prevalence and distribution not seen before, ultimately driven by a changing climate"
-butler text

the term "wormy world" brings to mind a festering ball of oversized cells with dark wriggling shapes inside, while the long stringy worms wrap around them, feverishly gyrating  :\

Lolita

"Here are two of King Akhnaten’s and Queen Nefertiti’s pre-nubile Nile daughters (that royal couple had a litter of six), wearing nothing but many necklaces of bright beads, relaxed on cushions, intact after three thousand years, with their soft brown puppybodies, cropped hair and long ebony eyes."

words I learned from Lolita 11 pages in:

ribald: referring to sex in a rude way

ardent: passionate

sibilant: hissing sound

aridity: bitter, pungent

impunity: immunity from injustice

fey: mystery, otherworldliness

poignant: keen sadness, regret

chameleonic: fickle, changeable

I took a nap

And when I woke up the sky looked like this.

I had a dream where I went to see an old busker every night just to hear him play. One night he was playing the acoustic guitar strumming with two acoustic guitar necks and plucking the strings of each one. He asked me what I was doing there and I said I enjoyed this spot he was at and listening to him play. He was playing on the roof of the bonsai shop in Chinatown at around 11 pm. Instead of looking cold and dirty, Chinatown had lots of silent traffic in the background with warm bokeh scattered everywhere. It was very romantic. We talked about each other and I woke up while he was telling me his wife or someone dear to him had died. The sadness lingered for a good 10 minutes as I drifted in and out of sleep, trying to capture the essence of his story.

Ai Weiwei

Today I went to the TIFF theatre to watch Human Flow 

The film itself was kind of boring but I couldn't pull my attention away from the glowing screen - a rectangle of light in this absolute quiet dark room. People walked across, in front of, and in the same plane as the camera, looking like ants. The way he frames his shots remind me of how I do it. Linear, arranged, capturing the whole picture. None of that artistic macro bullshit. Although when done right, it can be quite inspirational.
These days I can really focus on a song I like and listen to it all the way through while not doing anything. Maybe I'm turning into Nina.

I wrote a poem on hello poetry and it is "trending" today. Wonder if it'll disappear tomorrow.

1:30 pm cafe

I glanced at my reflection in the counter that I was sitting opposite to. The crack between the slabs of granite made it seem like my laptop and books were there, but I wasn't.

I guess this is an accurate representation of how I feel today.

a 30 minute chat with my parents and an actual blog post

Today I walked to College to meet Emily at Second Cup after successfully studying a chapter of physics at Robarts feeling rather pleased with myself, listening to Spotify's Discover Weekly playlist.

As I walked home my dad called eager to help with my Beijing paper and gave me some pointers with China's oil and gas industry and the heavy hydrocarbon problem. He said "most people wouldn't know of these issues but your dad is sensitive to them" while I waited for the streetcar with Emily. As I got off, still talking about anything, I told my dad about volunteering in a high school and he said that was good. We discussed moving back to calgary after university to "find myself", and I honestly didn't expect him to be so understanding all of a sudden. My mom told me Toronto is a dangerous place and I said only the certain parts you gotta watch out for, and we didn't talk for long. I realized she does the same thing I do when I suddenly think of a topic and want to change to it right after my current one, showing it with a bit of hesitation, and a "but, um...".  My sister talked to me about school at FEO and how she saw my picture on the wall and how she had weird classmates and was wearing a red riding hood costume for halloween.
It made me sad all of a sudden to think about all these events I'll be missing out on. But I can relive them through the pictures my parents will hopefully take. It doesn't seem like they enjoy taking pictures very much only for life landmark events or to show to their friends and distant family. Both me and my sister remember Mr. Yaris from FEO, which was kind of great.

I feel good being more independent. Especially after my parents called. Even though I didn't tell them how I was feeling talking to them about other things really helped. As it usually does after a good phone call. Even a bad phone call gives me contact I guess. 

some names jennifer has for margaret atwood:
Megan atweed
megan arwood

i dug this up while looking in my email

My friend from psych sent me this after I did a psych experiment during June 3rd, 2015 at 10:30 am. 

This report compares "me" from the country Canada to other females less than 21 years of age. This report estimates the individual's level on each of the five broad personality domains of the Five-Factor Model. The description of each one of the five broad domains is followed by a more detailed description of personality according to the six subdomains that comprise each domain.

Your score on Extraversion is high, indicating you are sociable, outgoing, energetic, and lively. You prefer to be around people much of the time.

• Your level of gregariousness is high.
• Gregarious people find the company of others pleasantly stimulating and rewarding. They enjoy the excitement of crowds. Low scorers tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. They do not necessarily dislike being with people sometimes, but their need for privacy and time to themselves is much greater than for individuals who score high on this scale.
• Your level of friendliness is average.
• Friendly people genuinely like other people and openly demonstrate positive feelings toward others. They make friends quickly and it is easy for them to form close, intimate relationships. Low scorers on Friendliness are not necessarily cold and hostile, but they do not reach out to others and are perceived as distant and reserved.
• Your level of positive emotions is high.
• This scale measures positive mood and feelings, not negative emotions (which are a part of the Neuroticism domain). Persons who score high on this scale typically experience a range of positive feelings, including happiness, enthusiasm, optimism, and joy. Low scorers are not as prone to such energetic, high spirits.
• Your activity level is average.
• Active individuals lead fast-paced, busy lives. They move about quickly, energetically, and vigorously, and they are involved in many activities. People who score low on this scale follow a slower and more leisurely, relaxed pace. 
• Your level of excitement-seeking is average.
• High scorers on this scale are easily bored without high levels of stimulation. They love bright lights and hustle and bustle. They are likely to take risks and seek thrills. Low scorers are overwhelmed by noise and commotion and are adverse to thrill-seeking. 

Your level of Agreeableness is average, indicating some concern with others' Needs, but, generally, unwillingness to sacrifice yourself for others.

• Your level of morality is low.
• High scorers on this scale see no need for pretense or manipulation when dealing with others and are therefore candid, frank, and sincere. Low scorers believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. People find it relatively easy to relate to the straightforward high-scorers on this scale. They generally find it more difficult to relate to the unstraightforward low-scorers on this scale. It should be made clear that low scorers are not unprincipled or immoral; they are simply more guarded and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth. 
• Your level of compliance is high.
• Individuals who score high on this scale dislike confrontations. They are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny their own needs in order to get along with others. Those who score low on this scale are more likely to intimidate others to get their way. 
• Your level of modesty is low.
• High scorers on this scale do not like to claim that they are better than other people. In some cases this attitude may derive from low self-confidence or self-esteem. Nonetheless, some people with high self-esteem find immodesty unseemly. Those who are willing to describe themselves as superior tend to be seen as disagreeably arrogant by other people. 
• Your level of tender-mindedness is low.
• People who score high on this scale are tenderhearted and compassionate. They feel the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity. Low scorers are not affected strongly by human suffering. They pride themselves on making objective judgments based on reason. They are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.
• Your level of trust is high.
• Your level of altruism is average.

Your score on Conscientiousness is average. This means you are reasonably reliable, organized, and self-controlled.

• Your level of self-efficacy is low.
•  Self-Efficacy describes confidence in one's ability to accomplish things. High scorers believe they have the intelligence (common sense), drive, and self-control necessary for achieving success. Low scorers do not feel effective, and may have a sense that they are not in control of their lives.
• Your level of orderliness is high.
•  Persons with high scores on orderliness are well-organized. They like to live according to routines and schedules. They keep lists and make plans. Low scorers tend to be disorganized and scattered. 
• Your level of dutifulness is high.
• This scale reflects the strength of a person's sense of duty and obligation. Those who score high on this scale have a strong sense of moral obligation. Low scorers find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining. They are likely to be seen as unreliable or even irresponsible. 
• Your level of achievement striving is low.
• Individuals who score high on this scale strive hard to achieve excellence. Their drive to be recognized as successful keeps them on track toward their lofty goals. They often have a strong sense of direction in life, but extremely high scores may be too single-minded and obsessed with their work. Low scorers are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy.
• Your level of cautiousness is average.
• Cautiousness describes the disposition to think through possibilities before acting. High scorers on the Cautiousness scale take their time when making decisions. Low scorers often say or do first thing that comes to mind without deliberating alternatives and the probable consequences of those alternatives. 
• Your level of self-discipline is average.

Your score on Neuroticism is average, indicating that your level of emotional reactivity is typical of the general population. Stressful and frustrating situations are somewhat upsetting to you, but you are generally able to get over these feelings and cope with these situations.

• Your level of anger is low.
• Persons who score high in Anger feel enraged when things do not go their way. They are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter when they feel they are being cheated. This scale measures the tendency to feel angry; whether or not the person expresses annoyance and hostility depends on the individual's level on Agreeableness. Low scorers do not get angry often or easily.
• Your level of depression is low.
• This scale measures the tendency to feel sad, dejected, and discouraged. High scorers lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. Low scorers tend to be free from these depressive feelings.
• Your level or self-consciousness is average.
• Self-conscious individuals are sensitive about what others think of them. Their concern about rejection and ridicule cause them to feel shy and uncomfortable abound others. They are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Their fears that others will criticize or make fun of them are exaggerated and unrealistic, but their awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy. Low scorers, in contrast, do not suffer from the mistaken impression that everyone is watching and judging them. They do not feel nervous in social situations. 
• Your level of immoderation is high.
• Immoderate individuals feel strong cravings and urges that they have difficulty resisting. They tend to be oriented toward short-term pleasures and rewards rather than long- term consequences. Low scorers do not experience strong, irresistible cravings and consequently do not find themselves tempted to overindulge.
• Your level of vulnerability is average.

Your score on Openness to Experience is low, indicating you like to think in plain and simple terms. Others describe you as down-to-earth, practical, and conservative.

• Your level of imagination is low.
• To imaginative individuals, the real world is often too plain and ordinary. High scorers on this scale use fantasy as a way of creating a richer, more interesting world. Low scorers are on this scale are more oriented to facts than fantasy. 
• Your level of artistic interests is average.
• High scorers on this scale love beauty, both in art and in nature. They become easily involved and absorbed in artistic and natural events. They are not necessarily artistically trained nor talented, although many will be. The defining features of this scale are interest in, and appreciation of natural and artificial beauty. Low scorers lack aesthetic sensitivity and interest in the arts. 
• Your level of emotionality is high.
• Persons high on Emotionality have good access to and awareness of their own feelings. Low scorers are less aware of their feelings and tend not to express their emotions openly. 
• Your level of adventurousness is average.
• High scorers on adventurousness are eager to try new activities, travel to foreign lands, and experience different things. They find familiarity and routine boring, and will take a new route home just because it is different. Low scorers tend to feel uncomfortable with change and prefer familiar routines.
• Your level of intellect is low.
• Intellect and artistic interests are the two most important, central aspects of openness to experience. High scorers on Intellect love to play with ideas. They are open-minded to new and unusual ideas, and like to debate intellectual issues. They enjoy riddles, puzzles, and brain teasers. Low scorers on Intellect prefer dealing with either people or things rather than ideas. They regard intellectual exercises as a waste of time. Intellect should not be equated with intelligence. Intellect is an intellectual style, not an intellectual ability, although high scorers on Intellect score slightly higher than low-Intellect individuals on standardized intelligence tests. 
• Your level of liberalism is average.
• Psychological liberalism refers to a readiness to challenge authority, convention, and traditional values. In its most extreme form, psychological liberalism can even represent outright hostility toward rules, sympathy for law-breakers, and love of ambiguity, chaos, and disorder. Psychological conservatives prefer the security and stability brought by conformity to tradition. Psychological liberalism and conservatism are not identical to political affiliation, but certainly incline individuals toward certain political parties.

the epitomy of man

"all human beings need touch, caring, warmth, empathy, and close relationships. But as we grow up, most of us lose those essential components of our humanity."

ideas inspired by bill wurtz

rice + oily food, the rice gets covered with oil and shines
eat my leftovers tomorrow (dunnnn)
feelings during speech
jazz jacuzzi
a hair carpet
blue sky, white clouds, but red sun??? GHGS are collecting and stuff
spadina streetcar is sad
i can't start to hate this book otherwise the course will be done for

What do you mean "you only simmered it for 2 not 3 hours?!?!?!"

I'm cut off from someone and it will take a while for me to recover from that loss.
When it happened before, everything was centred on that loss.
I know that it's better now, but why am I still so sad? Is it better just to not try?

I downloaded Grammarly today

Sometimes I feel like I'm someone intent on such a stubborn goal that nothing around them matters (language, behaviour etc), like one of those asian dudes that take up paragraphs explaining an answer to a question. That sort of energy but I expend it towards more useless things such as writing about life, happenings that occur and general things that don't really help.

So far I've lacked the motivation to do stuff again. It comes in periods where I'm either suffering heatstroke or "emotional boredom"???
It seems like when I don't talk that much it gradually gets harder to express the things I'm thinking. Sometimes it gets easier, but more and more I'm noticing this gap between thought and speech. Which worries me.

When I get started on a topic (like teaching) it's hard to stop talking, and my excitement translates into a garble of disorganized sentences with no beginning and end and a million commas...

To elaborate,

Where have all my interests gone?
Have I devolved to a stay-at-home,
Netflix-binging kind of mom?
To elaborate,
I did not just binge-watch half a season of Bojack Horseman,
I'd just fallen asleep midway through.
My love of going outside has been transformed
To one of loving characters that go outside
To have better adventures than I'll ever dream of.

What happened to that childhood me,
One whose mind was clear like the rain
And took delight
Simply in a bug crawling on a leaf?

Look at me now
Doing my own taxes,
My love life a knotted ball of yarn
Breaking into tears every so often,
Wishing that life was an eternal childhood.

Is living but a lament
To our younger years,
Always wishing never getting
The privilege we once had?


Since when did society transition all of a sudden to netflix and chill queens? The thing that's now gonna kill us is not type 2 diabetes from high cholesterol, but instead type 2 diabetes from inactivity.
Today me and Geoff watched a documentary on diet and disease, and the people interviewed in some scenes showed regret for their ignorant lifestyle, only to be left with a disease that will now follow them for the rest of their life. I think that moment of realization of "my life is gone" is a terrible experience that no one should experience (imagining if it happened to me was the worst) but at the same time, there should be a balance for palliative care and population increase. If I had known what every hour of sitting would do to me in the long run I'd want to never sit again. Just like eating red meat supposedly. But the problem is that we're not that advanced yet. What do we do in the meantime, our smarts aren't good enough yet so we're trapped in the limit of our own minds.
What's more alarming to me is that so many things get in the way of fully embracing something nowadays. Focusing on one thing for an extended period of time is something I really need to do right now.

stress again

I felt a really strong wave of anxiety just now.
Procrastinating is just making things worse and even when I try to relax and to do something else my brain thinks like I'm wasting time.
I'm applying to bachelors of education and sigh, the MOMENT OF TRUTH is here. Reference collecting... I feel like the worst person in the world for some reason, just asking for a reference out of nowhere but that's the problem with academia, it's so inorganic and only works because of professionally written e-mails because who needs to be eloquent anymore

and at the same time I should be looking into programs everywhere, it seems like teaching is easy to get in but it's not true if you don't have all the courses lol

and everything just seems like a dead end, whether it's lack of interest or

(tiff) bell mushroom lightbox window in the evening forest

Emily and I walked in downtown toronto to different spots with bustle and hustle and ate dumplings for dinner.
I finished writing my essay for photography scholarship, now all i need to do is to remember to send it.

pharmacy stuff!!

I got a volunteering position today at a pharmacy 30 minutes away by subway. Plus I also got a call for an interview about a pharmacy assistant job near my place on wednesday!! Hope I get it.....Thanks kijiji

It sucks that I got the volunteering interview first. But I guess this is like what juggling life is like.

My first introduction to jazz

This is one of those "I always disliked jazz, but then..." stories.

In first year at UTSC I took an intro to music course, which is where I met Noam. He was a TA for the practical sessions, and he was also completing his music dissertation or something or other. He was a jazz pianist that was doing some project or other and performing his pieces here and there on campus. I went to a couple of his performances and I was hooked. His song The Nagila Mayster was my favourite song. I think I asked him about writing pieces during the course and he said it was hard work and that a song has many layers. I wrote about his performance in the concert report, about how that song sounded like it was raining and the sunshine afterwards.

Last night I went to another performance by the Amos Hoffman / Noam Lemish quartet, with some toronto dude i didn't know on the bass. Some of their songs were not that jazzy, but the live music still sounded great. At one point performing "the god of forgiveness" Noam forgot to start his piano solo lmao

He asked me if I took any more music courses and I said no, and at that point I felt it was kind of a waste of my skills to not further my piano playing. But he was nice about it anyways. When I went home, there was a guy standing in the middle of Queen St. in front of a car just blankly staring ahead. A police officer was planning to remove him and was putting on sterile gloves.

I think my laptop speakers are subtly fucked

I saw this posting for "laboratory assistant" on cln:
The laboratory assistants will provide important supportive roles for the scientific research in a cell and developmental biology laboratory. In fulfilling the work, the students will learn technical skills and the care and precision needed in research. They will be mentored by our Laboratory Technician and work as a team. Importantly, the positions are also entry points for getting directly involved in our experimental work. Thus, applicants should have a strong interest in pursuing future research (e.g. research courses in the lab).

Please provide a cover letter, your resume, and a copy of your marks from ROSI.

Positions begin in early September.

Qualifications:
-an interest in laboratory research, especially in molecular, cellular and developmental biology
-past work experience in any area (science or non-science)

Duties:
-washing glassware
-preparing solutions and media
-maintaining Drosophila (fruit fly) stocks
-possibility of directly participating in experiments


HAHAHAH. That's incredible. Who the fuck would want to do this. How does this help your "research career" in any way.

Insight

Olga says that she would like to go to school for computer science. She was anticipating having to take upgraded high school classes in order to apply to u of c. It is hard to get out of the monotony that is working, though. She did not seem happy. However, always pursuing something she wants to do may not be the best for her. I feel it's important to experience both, and not let disappointment stop you. Perhaps that's the difference between high school dropouts and people who went to university.

meditation

"I’d been meditating in a halfhearted way since I was a teenager, but when my father died, I got serious about it. I couldn’t do anything about sickness, old age, death, terrorism, war, or even writer’s block, but I could do something about my grief-stricken state of mind."
-Ruth Ozeki on meditation
She has some good points on writing. It seems every post on her weblog is a published piece of writing. I wish I valued completeness and polishedness as much as her. I want my pieces to mean something, or to give insight into something. It seems like this blog is heading nowhere, just as an aesthetically pleasing site hosting my thoughts. It doesn't really matter.

It is hard to multitask. I'm in a google hangouts room for the DRC meeting this bright and hot wednesday morning and also trying to focus on learning about buddhism. I'm going to keep listening to zencast after the meeting. And maybe try to sleep.

update: I did not sleep, instead I looked at zen buddism centers in toronto. It seems a lot of them require monetary donation except the one at school: http://www.truepeace.ca/events. I e-mailed the Toronto Zen Centre about the next intro workshop and they got back to me in 10 minutes saying they are still planning it. It seems silly to pay money for a workshop where you are taught to let go of worldly desires and attachment.

thoughts on "traffic signals" by bukowski

i think the paragraph about the women and men's appearances show his distain at people going to great lengths to look good while sacrificing comfort. And age is a big factor because it adds to the lack of comfort. Does he mean to say as you get older it is harder to appear put-together, and that this is inevitable? He hates this. He'd rather kill than see suffering.

He is disgusted in a not pitying but almost angry way, because deep down he cares about these older people and wish they would live their lives more freely instead of predictable, like a traffic signal. Are we to believe he himself does not believe in advertisements or celebrate holidays? It's likely, as with his hermit lifestyle he is his own man.


I stopped reading when I came back, mostly because I lent Selina Annihilation and Kevin Sputnik Sweetheart. When I get those back I'll read them. Or I'll borrow some margaret atwood. I'm excited to read Ariel by Sylvia Plath for school, though.

dark thought

Today while I was on the last season of Avatar I zoned out and had a deep thought about my life. What practical knowledge did I know--nothing, the times I've wasted, me as a nobody, living in poverty and dependence on my parents. This show I was watching was wasting so much of my time when I could have been learning a useful skill. Lots of regrets coming back all at once.

It was too terrifying to think about, so I turned my attention back to Avatar.

tonight

I dropped off my film at london drugs today and saw Olga. She said she wasn't too into being social and the reason she didn't go to drumheller with ileana was because she was "socialed out". I felt bad talking to her but I understood and tried to be patient. We talked for a while about movies and Spiderman, and we attempted to make plans for saturday for pho.

Me, Tony, Selina, John, and Evan went to this ramen place called Wami Ootoya which might have been run by chinese ppl and i got a spicy tomato soup ramen which was surprisingly good. John ate the ramen challenge and wordlessly threw up later. He did not win the $45 meal because he left a centimeter of soup in his bowl, which was big enough for a rabbit's bath, or as a pot for a very large bonsai.

We talked about toronto and hamilton and what people were up to, and when John finally got back to the table after taking a walk outside we left to go to the duck pond which was a surprisingly short and sweet walk from the ramen place.

the result

I frickin saw Yihe!! at the duck pond, which was shocking. There were so many people playing pokemon GO around the pond but only we stopped to admire its beauty and talked about walking in it with our bare feet. We did a lap around the entire park and I did the exercises, because I was very excited to be out with a group of people. I was at an "advanced' chin-ups level but only "beginner" lifting leg level. I think Yihe left antisocially after he heard our group. We talked more about research and school and it was pretty nice (at least I thought). I dunno, maybe they were bored but I had a great time.

We walked back to the cars and Selina drove us to bubblemania. She needed to pee and we parked in the regular spot (not the parking lot). There was a yellow Audi car with a pikachu in the mirror. We get a table and order milk teas. Although Nina called before and wisely said if I want to sleep I should get a slushie. Now I regret it because I'm awake, which is why this post is so long.

today

i finished avatar for the 5th time.
Also my mom cut my hair and I am learning to deal with it and just let it grow out. I have a bird's nest on top.
Today Louise messaged me saying she was in calgary and was looking for something to do after dinner. I felt very tired talking to her even though i haven't talked to her in a long time. I'm also gonna see Selina + Tony today for ramen, but I don't think I'll be tired talking to them.

I suddenly remembered my "gojiccino" from london. Why not try it, I thought??

hospital visits

The other day I looked at all 3 years of my yearbook. I couldn't see myself at all in the random pictures the yearbook committee took. I realized how important a record was, so I am recording this for myself later.

My grandmother needs care and attention and the nurses at the hospital aren't paying enough of either to her, although we pay them with our insurance. Are we doing something wrong?

I go to her at lunch, she's already propped up in a chair. There's a small tv that is turned on with speakers on the bed. She sees me come in, and starts a little.

I say "Hello grandma, how are you doing today?" She then asks me a little bit about my family, like where's Maya? or how's your mom doing? Then I begin feeding her with a tray of food.

"Let's see what we have for lunch today..." I describe the food to her. She stares at me with glazed eyes and a blank expression, although her mouth is always frowning. I talk, mostly to myself. It's hard to know what makes her the most comfortable, but it's probably better than silence. I talk to her as if she's a kid. Once she had dentures on, but most of the time her upper lip collapses into her lower lip. She eats one spoonful at a time, and swallows the mouthful with difficulty.

Buddhism

I've moved into the living room. The good news is my roomate is nice and offered to buy me apples from metro last night.

I've also started learning about the buddhism philosophy and the four noble truths. It has made me feel better about a lot of things, and taught me the importance of being mindful and aware of yourself. I'm thinking of trying meditation soon, but I feel like all these bad thoughts will come out and I won't be able to embrace them fully or let go of them.

This weekend I'll be in london, and next weekend I'll be in calgary. Last weekend I was in waterloo. 3 weekends ago I was in Victoria.
I saw my friends Kevin and Sunny this week, and it was a refreshing change.

I called my parents and they are at the hospital tending to my grandma. They gave me all the gory details, and I don't think I was ready to hear them. She is having trouble eating and they had to force-feed her and it's unclear if she'll get better at this point.

at waterloo

I am fatigued beyond words. I kept falling asleep on the greyhound last night, and my sleep schedule is very crappy. I've mostly been writing things down here, but it's 14 pages and i don't know if anyone has the time or effort to read it. I'm at a computer lab now, hanging with Nina.

From my last entry things have gone downhill for me, emotionally. I've been to victoria and back, which was great, but I've been sad and unmotivated. The doctor told me I should exercise more. First I gotta fix my sleep, though. I paused to ponder what sort of voice i should write in. I came to the conclusion that I can't have a worldly experienced voice no matter how hard I try, because that's just not who I am.

I've recovered from that period and am taking it one day at a time.

end of the semester

I arrived in Ottawa April 19, a little stressed about taxes and what I'm going to do over the summer. Over time, the stress faded.

Lab

Wheeler lab is full of interesting people. Today I talked to Tanya and she said there may be some work for me to develop an assay testing for a new biomarker ANG2 for the DMF devices. However, Darius came by and said I was not being paid for this but to make devices... When I talked to Chris later he said that they'd appreciate my help and use of my time should be paid for. Tanya is going to e-mail Aaron and run it by him. I also talked to Julian about the reagent testing but halfway through his explanation Alex and Chris came in to tell him I can't be a part of that because it involves skills and more advanced experiments, which could go badly if I messed this up. I'm not sure if Tanya is going to e-mail Aaron either, maybe she'll forget. Thins never happen the way I imagine them to, whether by chance or they were just never meant to be. ?????

Islands in the stream

i am reading the bell jar from nina. it is such an interesting book. I really like how she weaves events together with bits of opinion sprinkled in between.
For ec=xample:

I slid into the self-service elevator and pushed the button for my floor. The doors folded shut like a noiseless accordion. Then my ears went funny, and I noticed a big, smudgy-eyed Chinese woman staring idiotically into my face. It was only me, of course, I was appalled to see how wrinkled and used-up I looked.

Today as I was taking the GO bus from square one I was looking out the window and had some deep thoughts.
My consciousness followed the stream of scenery. I fell into relaxation among the soft afternoon shadows cast by the setting sun. Grass and trees whizzed by, leaving a pastel smudge of scenery as an afterimage behind my eyes as we zoomed towards our destination. When we entered Toronto the green faded to a murkier blue-grey, because the sun was now reflecting off of more and more apartment windows.

I kept thinking about nina's apartment, a place filled with glasses and various food items. I felt sorry we didn't clean up the coconut milk jars. It made me feel more responsible for the mess. Jennifer and I played melee with nina's roomates and they were good, but nina wasn't into it as much.

Last night Jennifer educated both of us on the full story of Narnia. It was very nostalgic.
I need to be careful. If I just read and absorb the books I choose to read like an outsider, I'm not going to get much out of these books. To immerse yourself in literature is to read everything.

this author can inspire through any format, even pdfs

I really sympathize with this paragraph from Eugene Mirabelli's Renato, the Painter. I should buy his book on thursday when I go see Margaret Atwood.

Each time the teacher gave me my report card it surprised and frightened me how low the marks were, because I knew that my mother would read it and hand it back, saying, “You’ll have to give this to your father yourself.” And after my father read it he would shout, “Do you want to be a ditch digger? at’s where you’ll end up, digging ditches! Is that what you want?” at’s where dumb Italians ended up. No, I didn’t want that. Being a ditch digger would mean working beside people like that pig Norman Oldacre who liked to make loud farts and told bathroom jokes and who took me aside in the school yard one morning and beat me up so hard my eyes watered. But I didn’t feel stupid and I knew that the stupidist kid in my class wasn’t me but fat Collins. The teacher told him he was the cow’s tail because he always came in last, but Collins just sat there being fat and smiled and blinked his sleepy-lidded eyes and said nothing. He wasn’t my friend but I thought it was cruel to call him the cow’s tail and make fun of him just because he couldn’t memorize.  

I like how these monologues always have another kid who's being picked on, but the picked-on kid isn't the narrator's friend. I guess it shows that the kid has insight but still, wouldn't it be interesting if they were friends???