Our badminton coach

"What kind of bread were you baking?” He hesitantly asked after the training session.

“An enriched Japanese milk bread called shokupan,” I replied. “I’ve been baking more because I have more spare time recently. Do you bake?” 

“No, well…my partner does, back when we had more spare time. My kids like…baking as well as cooking now, though.” He trailed off, looking serious. 

Maybe I could have asked him how old his kids were. He seems to have an interesting life, I assumed. Travelling for badminton, playing in tournaments, training, training, training…then having kids. 

On the drive home, my mind rattled off thoughts about him. He lives in a neighbouring city. He has a partner. Of course he does, he's fit and has kind of a sense of humour. He has kids, which makes sense, he has white hairs. He has a mysterious, commanding tone of voice when calling out to the other kids on the court, and knows the gentle things to say to get them to listen right away. Did he bake bread? What a stupid question. Why do I feel so awkward and curious at the same time whenever I go to badminton coaching? He has a subliminal way of being present. I made a mental note for myself to be less reserved and more myself next time we went for coaching. 

“Have you been playing outside of these coaching sessions?” He asked neutrally. 

We haven’t been playing in between our coaching sessions. I feel especially guilty abut this fact, which is something I know we can have more control over. I don’t want our money to go down the drain. I know muscle memory takes time to practice, so we should be practicing between coaching sessions. I tell myself I have already taken a lot away from these sessions to make myself feel better temporarily. For example, today I felt myself return to the “whipping motion” that clicked for me a session ago. And my body positioning and footwork feel a bit better, more smooth. As I turned onto the highway, I wondered if I will  continue to improve. It doesn't help that all I've been craving recently is shokupan.

 Our friend who frequently commutes to the court told us he did group lessons, which gives you access to drop-in sessions in the evenings. It seems more worth it. 

 

I want, I should, I need, I want.

It is January 22nd of the new year, 2026. When does a new year stop becoming new? 

Today is sunny. I went for a walk and to return some mail. I bought a decaf latte, getting the decaf part right, getting the milk part wrong. Sometimes drinks are complicated. They didn't have the chocolate croissant I was craving and I didn't criticize myself as hard as I would have in the past, and for that, I'm proud of myself. 

I am currently watching Tomoko Conway on youtube, the video "Being myself". I really like the way she lives and upcycles things, with a blend of rustic + aesthetic + cabin vibes, the east mixed with the west. She makes me want more wooden and rag things. I would like to make bread today, in honour of my new find. I want a little atelier. I want room shoes. I want to make. 

The milky snow and its cool shadows slowly sparkle in the sun. Today is a calmly windy day, you think to yourself as you sip your latte, still half full and warm.  Glancing towards the icy lake, you can feel the sun on your back warming up your long shirt dress. You feel alive and and serene.  

IUD

 I wish i could carry myself like this everyday, spend a lil on a treat for myself, prioritizing self care by not working 

walking slow, giving myself the time to see and enjoy everything, even on a busy street like Bay st. Just blocking out all the sound. 

Interesting to feel pain when you are in public: pain is not something so easily communicated, i can only walk slowly and wince when another wave of cramps hits me, and not expect anything in return.  without pity there is a void, pain and pity go hand in hand, so what happens when you remove half? I saw it, at home in childhood, where the pain was met with more pain, or a meaningless amount of pity.  Women suffer bodily more than men and often this suffering is in silence. it takes a lot of internal strength to communicate your needs, I am realizing. 

On a more personal note, it feels like the pain has cleared my head and given me some perspective. 

For some time, I've thought that the insertion of an IUD (a simple T-shaped birth control device with strings) is more complicated than it seems. On the surface, the woman just needs to experience a bit of pain to receive long-acting birth control that will protect her from potentially more suffering (seems like a pretty good deal for $380.00), which makes her partner happy too. But it's not a purely selfish decision. With or without birth control, the biological responsibility still falls on the woman. Oppression of the sexes? Probably. Child bearing is nature's way of saying, "you are not equal." Thus, it is an illusion of shared responsibility. 

We are able to see past this. Those committed prospective fathers may be loving and caring, and I believe some would argue that all the chores and practicalities of life fall on them, so as to share the burden of pregnancy together. There is a masculine sheepishness they wear, messaging "if I want to be accepted, I should feel guilty." Is this fair? What is fair in an inherently sex-biased society?

-- 

Writers are confident in what they write. Therapy is helping me not to invalidate what I feel - I should apply the same thinking to my writing. What I write will be what I write. Try not to feel too much shame or embarrassment. Roots run deeper than you think - I have been telling myself that my emotions, thoughts, and even experiences weren't real. "That's them brainwashing you," my sister says, pointing to her head. 

I just spent $46 on stickers. that is all

Sunday April 6

Seems that ordering "good enough" items from Amazon is simpler and easier than walking from store to store, rifling through countless items

Been listening more to Patrick Teahan and just listened to the NYT article about being estranged from parents. 

Definitely relate to the "Doer" type of personality  

My stationary wishlist:

Kakuno F or EF 

New fountain pen for Y - I got this! 

confidential roller stamp 

midori whiteout tape

more a5 20 hole papers 

a thicker a5 20 ring binder

Some sort of thinner Hobonichi A5 notebook (haven't decided on any yet)

A5 notebook with dot grid that i can put into my 20 ring binder 😂 

dot markers (1 or 2) 

a clip to keep pages open

Midori - I got this!

earlier in the year I wanted to do purely A6 notebooks. now I feel they are too small for my liking. 

What stationary I’m using for 2025

 I got the reissued 2025-2029 A6 five year Hobonichi and have been enjoying writing summaries of my day in it 😊 

For longer format personal diary journalling, I’ve been using an A6 Stalogy grid notebook but find the lack of space challenging. Plus my hand falls off the book when I am scribbling on the right page. I will very likely need to switch to a different format soon.

I got Y and I the Hobonichi A6 planner, so far I’m really enjoying the simple layout and that we get to write in it together. I’m using more stationary in it as well lol

I plan to get the hobotoridori drawer pouch in february. I’m also excited about the tools and toys tin, which costs $45 and is full of useful things (mostly the clip and stamp and stickers). 

I think there are new colours in the kakuno, which I’m excited about.