Pulling the sheets over

 I suddenly felt really old. And the familiar feeling of “oh, this again” hit me hard. 

Today it felt good to let my mind go and wander. Not moving against any mental resistance today felt great. 

Walking outside at 10:30 pm, i felt really grateful for living in a calm, safe, and scenic place. I could watch the city lights from across the lake here, and enjoy the bright half moon among the stars. I can actually see the stars here! 

 I feel non entitled and humble. I was let go and they are now holding me at “we’ll look into if you can stay.” Haven’t sent my laptop back, so i guess we’ll see later this week. 

Keep getting thoughts of “i felt productive when i was there”, “the pay isn’t much but it pays the bills”, “i’m glad i was able to help the team and be productive”. 

It may just be stockholm syndrome. Or, a japanese-esque way of life, where I am giving this job my 110%, no matter how unimportant or small it is. 

My mood is falling and i feel forces at work that are trying to take me away from feeling at home. 

just regular life, in no particular order

I finished eating my garlic chive microgreens today I bought from the farmer's market. I have also been eating maggi instant noodles with quail eggs. I need to make more new recipes such as fried rice, maybe japanese pasta again with seafood, and clams in sake. I have all those ingredients. 

I have a meeting tomorrow evening because I am looking for more work. Turns out working at a startup is unstable. Ha ha. Who knew. Things are getting more "negotiable" at work. Today I learned that my coworker got her salary reduced, but her contract converted to a full-time permanent position. I worriedly listened to her as she explained that project manager leads to  senior PM which then leads to director of operations, or Chief of Operations. Which is not really where I want to be because operations is too behind the scenes and stressful. I connected with a lot of people on LinkedIn today because I felt like it. And a lot of people are back from vacation. 

I feel bad for downloading 3 new epubs for free this month. Coco Mellors' Cleopatra and Frankenstein, Sally Rooney's Intermezzo (which I saw with Maya at Indigo), and Jenny Wang's Permission to Come Home (which I bought at Indigo). Apparently Coco Mellors was an alcoholic and didn't want to leave NY because of her support network. I read an article about how her story was rejected 30 times but she kept sending it to publishers, but kept thinking "this is not relatable. you probably have agents and people championing your book, and maybe you have the means to do this. you seem like an entitled caucasian woman because all your author photos are of you in fancy houses and in fancy clothing." Oh, and earlier this month, or around end of September, downloaded Ted Hughes' Birthday Letters.  Last month, I also bought Tao Lin's Leave Society on Amazon. I wish I could re-read normal people again. I started reading Permission to Come Home this week. It is very relatable. 

This weekend was thanksgiving. Quiet, and I need to text my mom back that I'm not going back to Calgary for the winter. I know she wants me to go back. I kind of want to go back to avoid a similar awkward christmas dinner with M that we had last year, but last year was great when I was living in it. I used D's car which he parked here over the weekend. His dad may be remarried soon to a wealthy Chinese woman, who I suspected may just want to move to Canada with him. I shared the story of my grandfather remarrying his nurse caregiver soon after my grandmother died from lung cancer (I forget which year), who is probably like 10-20 years younger than him according to my mom. In China there are different expectations. D said to his dad, if I brought a guy home and said I was marrying him in a week, how would you feel? His dad said nothing. An interesting way to parent the parent. We walked together along the lake for a little while and he gave me incense from Japan. I got a matcha latte from Cafe Boho.  D wanted bbt but they were closed. I got bubble tea tonight for myself. He left when I was in a catch up meeting so I didn't get to say bye. I hope his car smells better next time. 

My sister got her switch back, and I got a used ACNH themed switch from FBM. I don't like the led screen on it. I think having a wii would be cool. Maybe when I get another TV. Living at Fern was kind of nice because of my TV. But now I don't have Netflix and my monthly expenses have slightly increased due to rent and inflation of my tenant insurance, I feel. 

I also bought 2 new hobonichis, filled out the 5-year paper survey, and have set up my day-free already. I'm glad that the true prices for these books are not expensive. So in 2025, I will only use the 5-year and day-free as a planner. I think I need to do brain dumps more often. M has asked to keep my 5-year if I receive a better replacement, and I said yes. But now I'm not sure if I want to keep writing in it if I may eventually give it away. 

I also have a stye in my left eye that I'm using tobramycin eye drops for. Interesting that the prescription antibiotic eyedrops has a "narrower" spectrum of activity, targeting mostly gram positive bacteria which is the main culprit in eye infections. I guess it's because it comes from the skin? Scientific Knowledge feels endless. I have a feeling this stye was caused by my new prickly pear cactus, which I learned today releases its spikes when touched, even the short brown ones. I did feel excruciating pain when waiting for the streetcar after a wellness talk. I have had this stye and the foreign body sensation in my eye for about a week now, and it is very uncomfortable. I am trying to replant my cactus into a bigger pot using maybe a mix of bonsai soil and regular potting soil. I would use sand if it was easier to obtain. Having a new plant feels really good. My monstera and my yucca have been growing too, but slower. 

I finally got a heat gel pack that's perfect for my eye. It was $8 at the independent pharmacy. 

Interesting to remember that I curently live in the largest city in Canada. 2nd is Montreal, and 3rd in Calgary. 

occasionally I'll rent a car and go on a little outing by myself, or with my boyfriend. We'll visit supermarkets with dazzling arrays of fruit and meats, then stop by for some delicious chinese food in a small plaza up north. other times, I'll visit my friends and together we'll go to these same supermarkets to buy handfuls of big fruit and unique animals to cook a t home. after a tiring da y of spending money and hauling around bags, the route to go home is typically a darker and more isolated road by one of the major parks in the city. Driving the straight road by the park shrouded in darkness felt surreal. Calm, almost. There were animals quietly settling down in there for the sleep or the night-time guard . There were animals that had eyes that could see through the inky velvet darkness. In that forest I coudl have laid down on the dried leaves and twigs and dirt, roll ed around and stared up at the canopy , a dark circlet of branches ringing a murky blue-grey night sky. Driving away from the glittering lights o f the city was when I felt most alive. I had my own wits to rely on. And a comfortable seat to take in the open road and all sights my travels gave to me . The next day I'd be back in that mess, trying to figure out the next day and the next day like everyone else in that city. I remember stepping out of the train into the heart of downtown, with a hot, stinky musky wind blowing into my face as I tried to get my bearings and determine where I was to go next in my appointment schedule, lists seeming ly neverending and head constantly buzzing. Now I'd be driving by the lakeside , in full view of the apartments and trees and the gaping hole to my left that was supposed to be the lake. Homeward b ound, safe to see another day while the rest of us writhe on the cold pavement, imprisoned by our minds in a cage of our own making. Summer I seem to have lost the ability to copy and/or paste. Shame is an interesting thing. I felt it with my boyfriend, I feel it with my job and with my friends. In between long walks and occasional alcohol and marijuana-fueled rants, there’s some loving moments.

I think I'm being creative by posting the entire text in the title. Seems like having a blog is still an interesting medium, so I'll keep going. 

Decisions

 Should I keep blogging forever

Switching between the digital medium and physical is difficult. 

We’ve passed one half of 2024. Some exciting recent events: Alice Munro’s legacy is wrapped in drama, Trump got shot and lived, Scott Pilgrim cartoon is on netflix (and pretty good!), Kanye’s new wife is stirring up more controversy with her skimpy outfits, the AGO and LCBO were on strike this year, the Hobonichi 2025 designs got leaked and there were a lot of Spy x Family designs which I don’t care for, U of T sent me an email asking me to donate crypto.

Poetry from February 2024

I am a thin twig of a woman,

Beads on my neck and a rock on my hand

Weighing me down.

I am a woman

Breathing in the sunlight On a friday afternoon

I walk to church, wearing all black

I was the woman

Who blew away in a tropical typhoon

The background was blurry

And I am sharp.

history

No one tells you this fact about life. You make friends, and in between those long moments of solitude there are precious and exciting moments. People pass on, and before you know it, it's been 8 years. I've lost track of the numbers. 

Looking back at the photos I saved on my storage drive, I am realizing that a lot of people have probably blocked me online. But that's normal because I've dated so many people and broken a lot of hearts. In this running tally I call romance, I've lost the "most well-liked" contest.