I suddenly felt really old. And the familiar feeling of “oh, this again” hit me hard.
Today it felt good to let my mind go and wander. Not moving against any mental resistance today felt great.
Walking outside at 10:30 pm, i felt really grateful for living in a calm, safe, and scenic place. I could watch the city lights from across the lake here, and enjoy the bright half moon among the stars. I can actually see the stars here!
I feel non entitled and humble. I was let go and they are now holding me at “we’ll look into if you can stay.” Haven’t sent my laptop back, so i guess we’ll see later this week.
Keep getting thoughts of “i felt productive when i was there”, “the pay isn’t much but it pays the bills”, “i’m glad i was able to help the team and be productive”.
It may just be stockholm syndrome. Or, a japanese-esque way of life, where I am giving this job my 110%, no matter how unimportant or small it is.
My mood is falling and i feel forces at work that are trying to take me away from feeling at home.