i would like to stop being zen. i want to make people accountable for their behaviours. i dont want to be taken advantage of or feel like im being taken advantage of even though it might not really be happening. what is reality when you're being nice. everything feels fake. my friend invited me to go grocery shopping and then asked me not to come and instead to join next week because she invited too many people and assumed that i would be okay with this. does this make sense and is it okay to feel annoyed by this type of behaviour? i just want to have people commit to me and not the idea of hanging out with me. i probably did this to other people in the past but never said something like this to their face. i messaged her back saying don't invite me if you're going to un-invite me later. it felt like i stood up for myself, which is probably an overly dramatic way of putting it but hey, i was angry. (righteously?) doesn't matter. there have been other instances where it was clear that i was a second thought. when this happens i would just detach. or get back at them by unfriending them on facebook in high school. how un-zen of me. there is a purpose to this post, and it's to tell whoever's doing this to stop taking advantage of people. 

stream of consciousness

whining 

i am again lost in my sea of tabs that i've opened aimlessly, greedily, reading "blogs" nowadays 

attempting to fill a void with "tab shopping" 

this makes me feel like I'm supposed to reach out and share my thoughts, to stay connected 

even if i hand out pieces of my identity to the internet to swallow, who cares. 

the internet engorges its megabolism on misinformation and information alike 

paywalls or popularity contests? 

Scenes from Trillium Park

sally pt 1

september

sally turned into the driving lot of the gas station to fill up her car on a rainy morning. She was on her way to her boyfriend nathan's house, and he lived on the north of the province. she had 3 more hours of driving to go. 

it was quiet at the gas station. there was no one around, except a middle-aged man letting his dog out of his parked car for a stretch. the road was empty. this was a drastically different scene compared to the crowded city where sally drove out of, where cars were jammed bumper to bumper and people shoulder to shoulder. 

coming back to the present, sally idly imagined herself in third person, filling up her fiat 500, hunched over in the blue-grey haze. the rain was pouring down hard enough to drench a water-resistant jacket, which was what she had on. she thought about lighting a cigarette and enjoying the rain while the smoke dissipated around her like a bad headache. 

she looks forward to seeing nathan’s house glow warmly in the rain, especially as it gets darker. she associates nathan’s house with the smell of potpourri and casseroles. she remembers his visits to the city, holding hands at the museum, sharing sweet mornings in her bed, walking around downtown together. 

she savours the thrill of simultaneously being alone and seeing someone she cares about as she pulls up to his house. 

Hi, she says, shyly.
Hey! How was the drive? He looks at her intently, but with a big smile on his face. she withdraws gingerly from his embrace and looks around.
it was fine, just a lot of rain. i saw a guy with a dalmatian at the gas station. she smiles so nathan would interpret this as a good thing. he mumbles a vague invitation to come in, to make herself comfortable. she steps into his house and enjoys the familiar scent of potpourri and mushroom casserole. they head up to his room to unpack her stuff.

she spent her time at nathan’s poring over school and work-related stuff during the day and drinking glasses of red wine while eating casseroles at night. they read interesting things from twitter to each other and browse instagram individually when they need a break from talking.

sally leaves nathan’s house feeling a bit bored, but recharged enough to face the city. 

dog walking idea

It will slowly become your nightly routine. 

The night walks you take on your own will be replaced with the dog's walks.

The dog will pant beside you loudly at first but you will accommodate to the sound over time.
You weren't productive walking on your own but walking the dog will increase your overall productivity.

This will make you more tired. 

a review of Normal People by Sally Rooney

Normal People by Sally Rooney
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was a really easy read. The language and sentence structure was kind of jarring at first, but I'm really glad I stuck it through. I enjoyed Sally's succinct descriptions of the weather and the thoughts that characters had, which I could often sympathize with. I am curious as to what disorder Marianne has, and it is the same curiosity that compelled me to finish the book. I am not disappointed!

reading this book has made me want to write a book with a longitudinal timeline. With characters going places, doing things, thinking thoughts, experiencing the beauty of life. Going through different phases of relationships. That is what this book is about. I got a similar feeling from reading The World At Noon. The things they say to each other are simplistic and candid. It’s like me saying to my friend, “hey. i dont mean to be rude or anything, its just a thought. But your last name really sounds like the word schnoz when i read it in my mind.” 

ricoh pictures from august / september

I think this is the fastest turnaround time for my pictures in the history of my film career. I guess not swapping between 2 film cameras helped streamline this process. 

I can still remember feeling this relaxed. Especially today, with the abnormal 25 degree end of September weather. This was taken at Rouge park at one of the small isolated beaches. I got a lot of "swimming" done. 

This was taken at the High Park zoo. They had a capybara! Here is my attempt to document this moment. 

I can only imagine how great the capybara would have looked if this picture was focused. 

Here we are at the Riverdale ravine observing the shelters made by people that have left society. 

These were taken on the day we went to 小郡肝串串香, a hotpot/skewer place. The menu was completely in chinese, but we were able to google translate the more advanced foods. The skewers were dipped into the boiling soup and eaten with either dry seasoning or vinegar/soy sauce and diced cilantro. The menu consisted of pork tongue, beef slices, chicken hearts, you name it. We got one of everything 😋 

After the cooking session, we bought freshly made egg tarts from a bakery stall next door. The plaza has about 6-7 restaurants and its own food court with $5 meals. I will definitely go back and get their combos some time. What a great day. The following week was not so great, though. The hotpot was so intense that I ended up getting acid reflux (which I originally thought was COVID because of the persistent sore throat). But thanks to the walk-in doctor's phone consultation, I was deemed gastrically acidic. Is that a thing? 

I wasn't sure which picture to post, so I'll post both :^) hey ma, I can drive!