thought dump

it sits there, plump and juicy and half-peeled. its insides are filled with liquid, it could burst any minute. under the bright grey daylight the skin is pockmarked like a teenager's face. not even worth the weight of two coins, i free the flesh within. drops of zest fill the air like dust. its irregular roundness is worrying. the translucent membrane skin glows like a baby's peach fuzz. i taste the crystalline drops of sunshine. happiness on earth is the first bite. 

stream of consciousness

whining 

i am again lost in my sea of tabs that i've opened aimlessly, greedily, reading "blogs" nowadays 

attempting to fill a void with "tab shopping" 

this makes me feel like I'm supposed to reach out and share my thoughts, to stay connected 

even if i hand out pieces of my identity to the internet to swallow, who cares. 

the internet engorges its megabolism on misinformation and information alike 

paywalls or popularity contests? 

sally pt 1

september

sally turned into the driving lot of the gas station to fill up her car on a rainy morning. She was on her way to her boyfriend nathan's house, and he lived on the north of the province. she had 3 more hours of driving to go. 

it was quiet at the gas station. there was no one around, except a middle-aged man letting his dog out of his parked car for a stretch. the road was empty. this was a drastically different scene compared to the crowded city where sally drove out of, where cars were jammed bumper to bumper and people shoulder to shoulder. 

coming back to the present, sally idly imagined herself in third person, filling up her fiat 500, hunched over in the blue-grey haze. the rain was pouring down hard enough to drench a water-resistant jacket, which was what she had on. she thought about lighting a cigarette and enjoying the rain while the smoke dissipated around her like a bad headache. 

she looks forward to seeing nathan’s house glow warmly in the rain, especially as it gets darker. she associates nathan’s house with the smell of potpourri and casseroles. she remembers his visits to the city, holding hands at the museum, sharing sweet mornings in her bed, walking around downtown together. 

she savours the thrill of simultaneously being alone and seeing someone she cares about as she pulls up to his house. 

Hi, she says, shyly.
Hey! How was the drive? He looks at her intently, but with a big smile on his face. she withdraws gingerly from his embrace and looks around.
it was fine, just a lot of rain. i saw a guy with a dalmatian at the gas station. she smiles so nathan would interpret this as a good thing. he mumbles a vague invitation to come in, to make herself comfortable. she steps into his house and enjoys the familiar scent of potpourri and mushroom casserole. they head up to his room to unpack her stuff.

she spent her time at nathan’s poring over school and work-related stuff during the day and drinking glasses of red wine while eating casseroles at night. they read interesting things from twitter to each other and browse instagram individually when they need a break from talking.

sally leaves nathan’s house feeling a bit bored, but recharged enough to face the city. 

dog walking idea

It will slowly become your nightly routine. 

The night walks you take on your own will be replaced with the dog's walks.

The dog will pant beside you loudly at first but you will accommodate to the sound over time.
You weren't productive walking on your own but walking the dog will increase your overall productivity.

This will make you more tired. 

sept 22 walk

There were 3 masked teenagers standing at the intersection, waiting to cross. This is the time of day when the sunlight filters through the houses and trees. Compared to summer sunlight, the autumn sunlight has a red tint. The neighbourhood settled down into a dinnertime stillness that was reflected in the empty streets. A chinese family is crossing the intersection. A chinese van driver patiently waits for them to cross before turning left. By the time I think to look back at the teenagers, they had already crossed and were entering the convenience store.

hauling my heavy body up a wall

my hands were chapped. i could only watch despondently as multiple climbers took on the routes i had tried and failed. then one by one, they left, chatting happily about their great workout. until there was one man left that i had met at another climbing gym. we briefly exchanged greetings, then he left too, hauling along his tripod and CamelBak. i was the only one in the gym but could not climb any further, so i sat and stared at the walls for a good twenty minutes. the walls seemed to be caving in and the boulders mocked me with their colourfulness. you'll keep trying but never reach the end of my route, which isn't even that high up, they were saying. the lights were on, the music was playing. no one was climbing. i decided to try a couple of medium difficulty routes. more people walked into the gym. their presence bothered me. i decided to sit and watch the more successful climbers, and analyze their back movements. i learned nothing, except for the fact that everyone was stronger than me because i had already climbed for one and a half hours. my forearms felt stiffer than before. i decided to leave. 

balcony

She was sitting at her desk, lost in thought. It was quite late at night, and she still had some reading she wanted to get done. She had a tendency to chew at the corner of her lip and finger while staring into deep space. Her desk was facing the window, looking onto the neighbouring house. The balcony lights suddenly turned on, which startled her out of her reverie. Three people walked onto the balcony, stretching and taking in the night air. Candles were lit, adding to the bright glow of the balcony. Good idea, it was cold outside... Her thoughts drifted along with her eyes, settling on the face of a young man, who was staring right at her! Her attention was focused for a second too long to look away. She gave a tentative smile and wave, bringing a wide grin to the man's rosy face. He was wearing a cap, but she could see some of his curly golden hair underneath. She thought he looked at ease and very happy where he was. After a few minutes goofily smiling at each other, he waved and went back to his phone, so she pulled out her book and started reading. In a few moments, the balcony lights went out, and everything outside her window became black again. 

Alternatively: 

She was reclined at her desk on the third floor, thinking. It was 1 am, and she still had some reading that she wanted to do. She had a tendency to chew at her index finger while staring into deep space. Her desk was facing the window, looking onto the neighbouring house. The balcony lights flipped on, startling her out of her reverie. Three people emerged onto the balcony, stretching in the night air and talking. Candles glowed crisply across the dark 4-meter distance, which made the floating balcony appear inviting and warm. It looks chilly out tonight... Her thoughts drifted with her eyes, settling on the face of a young man, who was staring right at her! Her attention was focused for a second too long to look away. She gave a tentative smile and wave, bringing a bright grin to the man's face that revealed some dimples. After a minute of grinning at each other, he waved and hunched back over his phone, so she opened her book and started reading. After a few moments, the lights flickered out, rendering the balcony instantly dark again. Illuminated by the light in her own room, she continued to read into the night. 

Poetry over 3 years

Skinning a salmon

Colourful leaps!

glistening, burning flesh

shimmering across the walls,

it could have grown a glass eye here.

Smooth and sinuous under my nail,

from my hands scales fall,

a fish’s ashes.

I pay no respects

slide the blade across

and separate.

-July 2020

city life

there is an old man standing
at the pole on the train
he is cackling to himself and
tossing feet around

it's at times like this
that i wish i were invisible
playing dead to the world
living mountain

hillsides growing gingko and pine
my stones rubbed smooth
by the murky water
translucent with memories.