I'm cut off from someone and it will take a while for me to recover from that loss.
When it happened before, everything was centred on that loss.
I know that it's better now, but why am I still so sad? Is it better just to not try?
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
I downloaded Grammarly today
Sometimes I feel like I'm someone intent on such a stubborn goal that nothing around them matters (language, behaviour etc), like one of those asian dudes that take up paragraphs explaining an answer to a question. That sort of energy but I expend it towards more useless things such as writing about life, happenings that occur and general things that don't really help.
So far I've lacked the motivation to do stuff again. It comes in periods where I'm either suffering heatstroke or "emotional boredom"???
It seems like when I don't talk that much it gradually gets harder to express the things I'm thinking. Sometimes it gets easier, but more and more I'm noticing this gap between thought and speech. Which worries me.
When I get started on a topic (like teaching) it's hard to stop talking, and my excitement translates into a garble of disorganized sentences with no beginning and end and a million commas...
So far I've lacked the motivation to do stuff again. It comes in periods where I'm either suffering heatstroke or "emotional boredom"???
It seems like when I don't talk that much it gradually gets harder to express the things I'm thinking. Sometimes it gets easier, but more and more I'm noticing this gap between thought and speech. Which worries me.
When I get started on a topic (like teaching) it's hard to stop talking, and my excitement translates into a garble of disorganized sentences with no beginning and end and a million commas...
Thursday, September 14, 2017
To elaborate,
Where have all my interests gone?
Have I devolved to a stay-at-home,
Netflix-binging kind of mom?
To elaborate,
I did not just binge-watch half a season of Bojack Horseman,
I'd just fallen asleep midway through.
My love of going outside has been transformed
To one of loving characters that go outside
To have better adventures than I'll ever dream of.
What happened to that childhood me,
One whose mind was clear like the rain
And took delight
Simply in a bug crawling on a leaf?
Look at me now
Doing my own taxes,
My love life a knotted ball of yarn
Breaking into tears every so often,
Wishing that life was an eternal childhood.
Is living but a lament
To our younger years,
Always wishing never getting
The privilege we once had?
Since when did society transition all of a sudden to netflix and chill queens? The thing that's now gonna kill us is not type 2 diabetes from high cholesterol, but instead type 2 diabetes from inactivity.
Today me and Geoff watched a documentary on diet and disease, and the people interviewed in some scenes showed regret for their ignorant lifestyle, only to be left with a disease that will now follow them for the rest of their life. I think that moment of realization of "my life is gone" is a terrible experience that no one should experience (imagining if it happened to me was the worst) but at the same time, there should be a balance for palliative care and population increase. If I had known what every hour of sitting would do to me in the long run I'd want to never sit again. Just like eating red meat supposedly. But the problem is that we're not that advanced yet. What do we do in the meantime, our smarts aren't good enough yet so we're trapped in the limit of our own minds.
What's more alarming to me is that so many things get in the way of fully embracing something nowadays. Focusing on one thing for an extended period of time is something I really need to do right now.
Have I devolved to a stay-at-home,
Netflix-binging kind of mom?
To elaborate,
I did not just binge-watch half a season of Bojack Horseman,
I'd just fallen asleep midway through.
My love of going outside has been transformed
To one of loving characters that go outside
To have better adventures than I'll ever dream of.
What happened to that childhood me,
One whose mind was clear like the rain
And took delight
Simply in a bug crawling on a leaf?
Look at me now
Doing my own taxes,
My love life a knotted ball of yarn
Breaking into tears every so often,
Wishing that life was an eternal childhood.
Is living but a lament
To our younger years,
Always wishing never getting
The privilege we once had?
Since when did society transition all of a sudden to netflix and chill queens? The thing that's now gonna kill us is not type 2 diabetes from high cholesterol, but instead type 2 diabetes from inactivity.
Today me and Geoff watched a documentary on diet and disease, and the people interviewed in some scenes showed regret for their ignorant lifestyle, only to be left with a disease that will now follow them for the rest of their life. I think that moment of realization of "my life is gone" is a terrible experience that no one should experience (imagining if it happened to me was the worst) but at the same time, there should be a balance for palliative care and population increase. If I had known what every hour of sitting would do to me in the long run I'd want to never sit again. Just like eating red meat supposedly. But the problem is that we're not that advanced yet. What do we do in the meantime, our smarts aren't good enough yet so we're trapped in the limit of our own minds.
What's more alarming to me is that so many things get in the way of fully embracing something nowadays. Focusing on one thing for an extended period of time is something I really need to do right now.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
stress again
I felt a really strong wave of anxiety just now.
Procrastinating is just making things worse and even when I try to relax and to do something else my brain thinks like I'm wasting time.
I'm applying to bachelors of education and sigh, the MOMENT OF TRUTH is here. Reference collecting... I feel like the worst person in the world for some reason, just asking for a reference out of nowhere but that's the problem with academia, it's so inorganic and only works because of professionally written e-mails because who needs to be eloquent anymore
and at the same time I should be looking into programs everywhere, it seems like teaching is easy to get in but it's not true if you don't have all the courses lol
and everything just seems like a dead end, whether it's lack of interest or
Procrastinating is just making things worse and even when I try to relax and to do something else my brain thinks like I'm wasting time.
I'm applying to bachelors of education and sigh, the MOMENT OF TRUTH is here. Reference collecting... I feel like the worst person in the world for some reason, just asking for a reference out of nowhere but that's the problem with academia, it's so inorganic and only works because of professionally written e-mails because who needs to be eloquent anymore
and at the same time I should be looking into programs everywhere, it seems like teaching is easy to get in but it's not true if you don't have all the courses lol
and everything just seems like a dead end, whether it's lack of interest or
Sunday, September 10, 2017
(tiff) bell mushroom lightbox window in the evening forest
Emily and I walked in downtown toronto to different spots with bustle and hustle and ate dumplings for dinner.
I finished writing my essay for photography scholarship, now all i need to do is to remember to send it.
I finished writing my essay for photography scholarship, now all i need to do is to remember to send it.
Monday, August 21, 2017
pharmacy stuff!!
I got a volunteering position today at a pharmacy 30 minutes away by subway. Plus I also got a call for an interview about a pharmacy assistant job near my place on wednesday!! Hope I get it.....Thanks kijiji
It sucks that I got the volunteering interview first. But I guess this is like what juggling life is like.
It sucks that I got the volunteering interview first. But I guess this is like what juggling life is like.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
My first introduction to jazz
This is one of those "I always disliked jazz, but then..." stories.
In first year at UTSC I took an intro to music course, which is where I met Noam. He was a TA for the practical sessions, and he was also completing his music dissertation or something or other. He was a jazz pianist that was doing some project or other and performing his pieces here and there on campus. I went to a couple of his performances and I was hooked. His song The Nagila Mayster was my favourite song. I think I asked him about writing pieces during the course and he said it was hard work and that a song has many layers. I wrote about his performance in the concert report, about how that song sounded like it was raining and the sunshine afterwards.
Last night I went to another performance by the Amos Hoffman / Noam Lemish quartet, with some toronto dude i didn't know on the bass. Some of their songs were not that jazzy, but the live music still sounded great. At one point performing "the god of forgiveness" Noam forgot to start his piano solo lmao
He asked me if I took any more music courses and I said no, and at that point I felt it was kind of a waste of my skills to not further my piano playing. But he was nice about it anyways. When I went home, there was a guy standing in the middle of Queen St. in front of a car just blankly staring ahead. A police officer was planning to remove him and was putting on sterile gloves.
In first year at UTSC I took an intro to music course, which is where I met Noam. He was a TA for the practical sessions, and he was also completing his music dissertation or something or other. He was a jazz pianist that was doing some project or other and performing his pieces here and there on campus. I went to a couple of his performances and I was hooked. His song The Nagila Mayster was my favourite song. I think I asked him about writing pieces during the course and he said it was hard work and that a song has many layers. I wrote about his performance in the concert report, about how that song sounded like it was raining and the sunshine afterwards.
Last night I went to another performance by the Amos Hoffman / Noam Lemish quartet, with some toronto dude i didn't know on the bass. Some of their songs were not that jazzy, but the live music still sounded great. At one point performing "the god of forgiveness" Noam forgot to start his piano solo lmao
He asked me if I took any more music courses and I said no, and at that point I felt it was kind of a waste of my skills to not further my piano playing. But he was nice about it anyways. When I went home, there was a guy standing in the middle of Queen St. in front of a car just blankly staring ahead. A police officer was planning to remove him and was putting on sterile gloves.