Our badminton coach

"What kind of bread were you baking?” He hesitantly asked after the training session.

“An enriched Japanese milk bread called shokupan,” I replied. “I’ve been baking more because I have more spare time recently. Do you bake?” 

“No, well…my partner does, back when we had more spare time. My kids like…baking as well as cooking now, though.” He trailed off, looking serious. 

Maybe I could have asked him how old his kids were. He seems to have an interesting life, I assumed. Travelling for badminton, playing in tournaments, training, training, training…then having kids. 

On the drive home, my mind rattled off thoughts about him. He lives in a neighbouring city. He has a partner. Of course he does, he's fit and has kind of a sense of humour. He has kids, which makes sense, he has white hairs. He has a mysterious, commanding tone of voice when calling out to the other kids on the court, and knows the gentle things to say to get them to listen right away. Did he bake bread? What a stupid question. Why do I feel so awkward and curious at the same time whenever I go to badminton coaching? He has a subliminal way of being present. I made a mental note for myself to be less reserved and more myself next time we went for coaching. 

“Have you been playing outside of these coaching sessions?” He asked neutrally. 

We haven’t been playing in between our coaching sessions. I feel especially guilty abut this fact, which is something I know we can have more control over. I don’t want our money to go down the drain. I know muscle memory takes time to practice, so we should be practicing between coaching sessions. I tell myself I have already taken a lot away from these sessions to make myself feel better temporarily. For example, today I felt myself return to the “whipping motion” that clicked for me a session ago. And my body positioning and footwork feel a bit better, more smooth. As I turned onto the highway, I wondered if I will  continue to improve. It doesn't help that all I've been craving recently is shokupan.

 Our friend who frequently commutes to the court told us he did group lessons, which gives you access to drop-in sessions in the evenings. It seems more worth it. 

 

I want, I should, I need, I want.

It is January 22nd of the new year, 2026. When does a new year stop becoming new? 

Today is sunny. I went for a walk and to return some mail. I bought a decaf latte, getting the decaf part right, getting the milk part wrong. Sometimes drinks are complicated. They didn't have the chocolate croissant I was craving and I didn't criticize myself as hard as I would have in the past, and for that, I'm proud of myself. 

I am currently watching Tomoko Conway on youtube, the video "Being myself". I really like the way she lives and upcycles things, with a blend of rustic + aesthetic + cabin vibes, the east mixed with the west. She makes me want more wooden and rag things. I would like to make bread today, in honour of my new find. I want a little atelier. I want room shoes. I want to make. 

The milky snow and its cool shadows slowly sparkle in the sun. Today is a calmly windy day, you think to yourself as you sip your latte, still half full and warm.  Glancing towards the icy lake, you can feel the sun on your back warming up your long shirt dress. You feel alive and and serene.  

IUD

 I wish i could carry myself like this everyday, spend a lil on a treat for myself, prioritizing self care by not working 

walking slow, giving myself the time to see and enjoy everything, even on a busy street like Bay st. Just blocking out all the sound. 

Interesting to feel pain when you are in public: pain is not something so easily communicated, i can only walk slowly and wince when another wave of cramps hits me, and not expect anything in return.  without pity there is a void, pain and pity go hand in hand, so what happens when you remove half? I saw it, at home in childhood, where the pain was met with more pain, or a meaningless amount of pity.  Women suffer bodily more than men and often this suffering is in silence. it takes a lot of internal strength to communicate your needs, I am realizing. 

On a more personal note, it feels like the pain has cleared my head and given me some perspective. 

For some time, I've thought that the insertion of an IUD (a simple T-shaped birth control device with strings) is more complicated than it seems. On the surface, the woman just needs to experience a bit of pain to receive long-acting birth control that will protect her from potentially more suffering (seems like a pretty good deal for $380.00), which makes her partner happy too. But it's not a purely selfish decision. With or without birth control, the biological responsibility still falls on the woman. Oppression of the sexes? Probably. Child bearing is nature's way of saying, "you are not equal." Thus, it is an illusion of shared responsibility. 

We are able to see past this. Those committed prospective fathers may be loving and caring, and I believe some would argue that all the chores and practicalities of life fall on them, so as to share the burden of pregnancy together. There is a masculine sheepishness they wear, messaging "if I want to be accepted, I should feel guilty." Is this fair? What is fair in an inherently sex-biased society?

-- 

Writers are confident in what they write. Therapy is helping me not to invalidate what I feel - I should apply the same thinking to my writing. What I write will be what I write. Try not to feel too much shame or embarrassment. Roots run deeper than you think - I have been telling myself that my emotions, thoughts, and even experiences weren't real. "That's them brainwashing you," my sister says, pointing to her head. 

I just spent $46 on stickers. that is all

Sunday April 6

Seems that ordering "good enough" items from Amazon is simpler and easier than walking from store to store, rifling through countless items

Been listening more to Patrick Teahan and just listened to the NYT article about being estranged from parents. 

Definitely relate to the "Doer" type of personality  

My stationary wishlist:

Kakuno F or EF 

New fountain pen for Y - I got this! 

confidential roller stamp 

midori whiteout tape

more a5 20 hole papers 

a thicker a5 20 ring binder

Some sort of thinner Hobonichi A5 notebook (haven't decided on any yet)

A5 notebook with dot grid that i can put into my 20 ring binder 😂 

dot markers (1 or 2) 

a clip to keep pages open

Midori - I got this!

earlier in the year I wanted to do purely A6 notebooks. now I feel they are too small for my liking. 

What stationary I’m using for 2025

 I got the reissued 2025-2029 A6 five year Hobonichi and have been enjoying writing summaries of my day in it 😊 

For longer format personal diary journalling, I’ve been using an A6 Stalogy grid notebook but find the lack of space challenging. Plus my hand falls off the book when I am scribbling on the right page. I will very likely need to switch to a different format soon.

I got Y and I the Hobonichi A6 planner, so far I’m really enjoying the simple layout and that we get to write in it together. I’m using more stationary in it as well lol

I plan to get the hobotoridori drawer pouch in february. I’m also excited about the tools and toys tin, which costs $45 and is full of useful things (mostly the clip and stamp and stickers). 

I think there are new colours in the kakuno, which I’m excited about.

It’s december 3rd

 And a lot’s happened in the past few months. A lot. 

Canada post strike

Trump got re-elected

Things are still expensive

Another friend gone

Karaoke 2 times (3rd one coming up)

Met a new guy

Group therapy came and gone

November was the month of appointments. December so far has been the month of rest. 

Acid reflux

Travelled to hamilton and mtl amidst precipitous job and relationship situations

Back on EI i wonder if my life will be as tumultuous as my dad’s, who was also collecting EI between contracts at a time. 

Comedones and Coats

I feel like a pore that has been unclogged after a long time. The clog has been present for what feels like a long time. 

Unfortunately the pore must continue to be clogged until I extract the comedone.

Unfortunately. 

- - -

This is a good opportunity to practice holding my emotions. 

For example, I can say: I just bought a new winter coat. It looks and feels amazing, and I love it. 

I feel strongly possessive towards…this coat. I am also cherishing this protective feeling. It’s like, “finally, I have the thing I want!”

But right now, it’s not yet cold enough to wear this coat. But I know that when the weather becomes colder, I will enjoy wearing it. 

Pulling the sheets over

 I suddenly felt really old. And the familiar feeling of “oh, this again” hit me hard. 

Today it felt good to let my mind go and wander. Not moving against any mental resistance today felt great. 

Walking outside at 10:30 pm, i felt really grateful for living in a calm, safe, and scenic place. I could watch the city lights from across the lake here, and enjoy the bright half moon among the stars. I can actually see the stars here! 

 I feel non entitled and humble. I was let go and they are now holding me at “we’ll look into if you can stay.” Haven’t sent my laptop back, so i guess we’ll see later this week. 

Keep getting thoughts of “i felt productive when i was there”, “the pay isn’t much but it pays the bills”, “i’m glad i was able to help the team and be productive”. 

It may just be stockholm syndrome. Or, a japanese-esque way of life, where I am giving this job my 110%, no matter how unimportant or small it is. 

My mood is falling and i feel forces at work that are trying to take me away from feeling at home. 

just regular life, in no particular order

I finished eating my garlic chive microgreens today I bought from the farmer's market. I have also been eating maggi instant noodles with quail eggs. I need to make more new recipes such as fried rice, maybe japanese pasta again with seafood, and clams in sake. I have all those ingredients. 

I have a meeting tomorrow evening because I am looking for more work. Turns out working at a startup is unstable. Ha ha. Who knew. Things are getting more "negotiable" at work. Today I learned that my coworker got her salary reduced, but her contract converted to a full-time permanent position. I worriedly listened to her as she explained that project manager leads to  senior PM which then leads to director of operations, or Chief of Operations. Which is not really where I want to be because operations is too behind the scenes and stressful. I connected with a lot of people on LinkedIn today because I felt like it. And a lot of people are back from vacation. 

I feel bad for downloading 3 new epubs for free this month. Coco Mellors' Cleopatra and Frankenstein, Sally Rooney's Intermezzo (which I saw with Maya at Indigo), and Jenny Wang's Permission to Come Home (which I bought at Indigo). Apparently Coco Mellors was an alcoholic and didn't want to leave NY because of her support network. I read an article about how her story was rejected 30 times but she kept sending it to publishers, but kept thinking "this is not relatable. you probably have agents and people championing your book, and maybe you have the means to do this. you seem like an entitled caucasian woman because all your author photos are of you in fancy houses and in fancy clothing." Oh, and earlier this month, or around end of September, downloaded Ted Hughes' Birthday Letters.  Last month, I also bought Tao Lin's Leave Society on Amazon. I wish I could re-read normal people again. I started reading Permission to Come Home this week. It is very relatable. 

This weekend was thanksgiving. Quiet, and I need to text my mom back that I'm not going back to Calgary for the winter. I know she wants me to go back. I kind of want to go back to avoid a similar awkward christmas dinner with M that we had last year, but last year was great when I was living in it. I used D's car which he parked here over the weekend. His dad may be remarried soon to a wealthy Chinese woman, who I suspected may just want to move to Canada with him. I shared the story of my grandfather remarrying his nurse caregiver soon after my grandmother died from lung cancer (I forget which year), who is probably like 10-20 years younger than him according to my mom. In China there are different expectations. D said to his dad, if I brought a guy home and said I was marrying him in a week, how would you feel? His dad said nothing. An interesting way to parent the parent. We walked together along the lake for a little while and he gave me incense from Japan. I got a matcha latte from Cafe Boho.  D wanted bbt but they were closed. I got bubble tea tonight for myself. He left when I was in a catch up meeting so I didn't get to say bye. I hope his car smells better next time. 

My sister got her switch back, and I got a used ACNH themed switch from FBM. I don't like the led screen on it. I think having a wii would be cool. Maybe when I get another TV. Living at Fern was kind of nice because of my TV. But now I don't have Netflix and my monthly expenses have slightly increased due to rent and inflation of my tenant insurance, I feel. 

I also bought 2 new hobonichis, filled out the 5-year paper survey, and have set up my day-free already. I'm glad that the true prices for these books are not expensive. So in 2025, I will only use the 5-year and day-free as a planner. I think I need to do brain dumps more often. M has asked to keep my 5-year if I receive a better replacement, and I said yes. But now I'm not sure if I want to keep writing in it if I may eventually give it away. 

I also have a stye in my left eye that I'm using tobramycin eye drops for. Interesting that the prescription antibiotic eyedrops has a "narrower" spectrum of activity, targeting mostly gram positive bacteria which is the main culprit in eye infections. I guess it's because it comes from the skin? Scientific Knowledge feels endless. I have a feeling this stye was caused by my new prickly pear cactus, which I learned today releases its spikes when touched, even the short brown ones. I did feel excruciating pain when waiting for the streetcar after a wellness talk. I have had this stye and the foreign body sensation in my eye for about a week now, and it is very uncomfortable. I am trying to replant my cactus into a bigger pot using maybe a mix of bonsai soil and regular potting soil. I would use sand if it was easier to obtain. Having a new plant feels really good. My monstera and my yucca have been growing too, but slower. 

I finally got a heat gel pack that's perfect for my eye. It was $8 at the independent pharmacy. 

Interesting to remember that I curently live in the largest city in Canada. 2nd is Montreal, and 3rd in Calgary. 

occasionally I'll rent a car and go on a little outing by myself, or with my boyfriend. We'll visit supermarkets with dazzling arrays of fruit and meats, then stop by for some delicious chinese food in a small plaza up north. other times, I'll visit my friends and together we'll go to these same supermarkets to buy handfuls of big fruit and unique animals to cook a t home. after a tiring da y of spending money and hauling around bags, the route to go home is typically a darker and more isolated road by one of the major parks in the city. Driving the straight road by the park shrouded in darkness felt surreal. Calm, almost. There were animals quietly settling down in there for the sleep or the night-time guard . There were animals that had eyes that could see through the inky velvet darkness. In that forest I coudl have laid down on the dried leaves and twigs and dirt, roll ed around and stared up at the canopy , a dark circlet of branches ringing a murky blue-grey night sky. Driving away from the glittering lights o f the city was when I felt most alive. I had my own wits to rely on. And a comfortable seat to take in the open road and all sights my travels gave to me . The next day I'd be back in that mess, trying to figure out the next day and the next day like everyone else in that city. I remember stepping out of the train into the heart of downtown, with a hot, stinky musky wind blowing into my face as I tried to get my bearings and determine where I was to go next in my appointment schedule, lists seeming ly neverending and head constantly buzzing. Now I'd be driving by the lakeside , in full view of the apartments and trees and the gaping hole to my left that was supposed to be the lake. Homeward b ound, safe to see another day while the rest of us writhe on the cold pavement, imprisoned by our minds in a cage of our own making. Summer I seem to have lost the ability to copy and/or paste. Shame is an interesting thing. I felt it with my boyfriend, I feel it with my job and with my friends. In between long walks and occasional alcohol and marijuana-fueled rants, there’s some loving moments.

I think I'm being creative by posting the entire text in the title. Seems like having a blog is still an interesting medium, so I'll keep going. 

Decisions

 Should I keep blogging forever

Switching between the digital medium and physical is difficult. 

We’ve passed one half of 2024. Some exciting recent events: Alice Munro’s legacy is wrapped in drama, Trump got shot and lived, Scott Pilgrim cartoon is on netflix (and pretty good!), Kanye’s new wife is stirring up more controversy with her skimpy outfits, the AGO and LCBO were on strike this year, the Hobonichi 2025 designs got leaked and there were a lot of Spy x Family designs which I don’t care for, U of T sent me an email asking me to donate crypto.

Poetry from February 2024

I am a thin twig of a woman,

Beads on my neck and a rock on my hand

Weighing me down.

I am a woman

Breathing in the sunlight On a friday afternoon

I walk to church, wearing all black

I was the woman

Who blew away in a tropical typhoon

The background was blurry

And I am sharp.

history

No one tells you this fact about life. You make friends, and in between those long moments of solitude there are precious and exciting moments. People pass on, and before you know it, it's been 8 years. I've lost track of the numbers. 

Looking back at the photos I saved on my storage drive, I am realizing that a lot of people have probably blocked me online. But that's normal because I've dated so many people and broken a lot of hearts. In this running tally I call romance, I've lost the "most well-liked" contest. 

            

It takes two to experience vulnerability

In the Uber home, you felt an emotion

In your jail cell made of fibres

But it never broke the surface of your placid face

You voluntarily lie down

Let the waves crash upon you. 

When you look at the universe it doesn’t feel so bad

When you zoom into one piece of dust in this desert

You find a searing pain equal to the mass of a black hole.

Pour yourself a cup of coffee

Fingers and pens tapping on the desk

It is too bright outside to do anything.

Stop it, you think

Trying to erase yourself with willpower. 

It feels like forever

The bad memories stay, the good ones leak out like light

You can’t see the way out like you used to.

 

Current state of pharmacy in ontario

These are my thoughts in response to the recent series of events in the news about the Canadian pharmacy landscape. 

Background: the general public and pharmacists are unhappy about the cold calls coming from mostly shoppers employees, and CBC news has picked up the story, spreading the issue widely for awareness. As a pharmacist, this has been difficult to respond to in my practice setting.

This has been a long time coming. Even before COVID, SDM had quotas. Still, I imagine executives in the Ministry of Health, SDM head office, and Loblaws running into a meeting room together in desperation, saying "shit shit shit this is bad" then throwing together a pizza lunch disguised as an informal town hall. (And then pointing fingers afterward.) Obviously I don't have a very rosy impression of working in a corporate setting.

Quotas are not a problem at the front line staff pharmacist level, but a problem with the overall lack of funding to pharmacies at the government level. Since COVID restrictions were lessened, the need for in-store symptomatic testing for patients and prescription extensions (occasionally netting the store a $15 fee per prescription) disappeared, resulting in reduced billing of professional services to the government and thus less profit entering the pharmacy owner’s pockets. SDM corporate wanted to minimize this profit drop after the pandemic, so started  emphasizing the billing of Medscheck services at this point in time due to their profitability. This all happens because the government only reimburses the cost of the drug at the cost the pharmacy buys it at and returning a marginal profit back into the store owner’s pocket (*). Drug pricing in canada is another can of worms currently open to debate as well (look up PMPRB drug pricing reforms). 

(*) this actually depends on the class of drug (high-cost biologics vs. non-biologics) and is subject to changes in drug pricing and changes to the government formulary. 

(*) ALSO, this doesn't take into account the NEW updates to the Executive Officer Notice: Change in markup effective April 1, 2024: https://www.ontario.ca/files/2024-03/moh-executive-officer-notice-change-mark-ups-en-2024-03-28.pdf

TLDR: A Volume-based funding model is not profitable enough for corporate since the pandemic occurred, so they supplement it with additional services enforced with quotas. So you can see it is a chain reaction or a series of events that has led to the current state of pharmacy. The quotas issue does not exist in a vaccum. The ON government and OCP were doing nothing to address this issue, and unfortunately our voice is not heard.

General Timeline

July 2013
Loblaws acquires Shoppers.
Maple health gets funding from Loblaws and Jeff Leger used to be on their board of members (this is public knowledge). Loblaw also owns Medeo. And a lot of different grocery stores (another complaint).

The big question is, how close are Loblaw and the Ontario government? 

From 2019 to 2022
Proof #1 - Loblaws literally lobbies the Ford govt re: selling recreational weed at groceries/retail stores 

March 2020
Proof #2 - SDM lobbies the Ford govt during pandemic times 
Proof #3 - ON Govt makes deal with SDM re: free menstrual products in schools 
Additional proof? I got tired of looking for evidence and fear that this post is veering off into conspiracy land. But there is proof (an easy google search) that a) Loblaws is lobbying the government and making contact and b) these lobbying efforts are seen as changes to policy in real-time.

2024

Feb 5 

Manulife reversed the deal to cover specialty care drugs at select Loblaw-owned pharmacies (PPNs). CPhA (our national pharmacy advocate group) issues a statement on legislation concerning PPNs. 

Feb 28

CBC publishes an article about noise from current + past pharmacists of SDM on pressure to conduct medschecks. Jeff Leger (CEO of SDM) denies the truth about corporate targets for professional services.

March 1
- Associates make cringy linkedin posts stating the value medschecks and pharmacists have on patient care. No one buys it. 

- Jack Hauen, The Trillium reporter, posts on reddit asking for proof and information from pharmacists.

March 5
OCP, our regulatory body, conducts an anonymous survey about medscheck targets and plans to host a town hall for this issue. Ongoing negative sentiments about Jeff Leger and SDM online.

March 11
OCP opens registration for town halls from March 11-18. 

Notes after the recent town hall: OCP oversees malpractice, and the patient-related side of pharmacy practice, and should not care about the financial wellbeing of pharmacists and their corporations. But they have a direct role in pharmacy accreditation and regulating scope of practice, such as the ability of pharmacists to conduct virtual medschecks. It feels like a gray area, well summarized in the article, "Jurisdictions across North America are struggling to address the tension between profit and patient protection."

March 14
New article about how SDM continues to deny targets, as well as additional proof of targets from internal emails and associate testimonials. In one week, SDM stores in Ontario billed ~$1,400,000 worth of medschecks; each store conducting an average of 30 to 35 medscheck interviews during that week. To date, OCP has apparently received 4,000 responses to their anonymous practice survey and expects more than 500 attendees for the series of virtual town halls.

March 19
CBC reports on Telus and its new PPN policy. Employers that purchase Telus health insurance now must make their employees abide by its new policy of filling prescriptions at virtual pharmacies. I learned that ODB (healthcare branch of ON government) also uses Telus as its adjudicator. 

Mar 25 - OCP Board meeting focused on these 2 major issues 
package 

re: PPNs 
Recommendations: the board will be directing college management to move forward with a phased, multi-modal approach to addressing PPNs including short, medium and long-term regulatory initiatives: 

short-term action: position statement → PPN policy be integrated with broader business regulations (placeholder recommendation) → long term action: meet PPN regulatory goals; nothing we can do today to prevent pharmacies from entering into existing PPN contracts, but OCP's focus is the longer term for bigger impact

"PPN models were last discussed by the OCP Board in 2018. At the time, despite its concerns, OCP did not have the authority to intervene in the negotiation of PPN agreements by pharmacy owners and benefits providers. OCP raised the issue with the Minister of Health. No changes were made to the regulatory environment that would have increased OCP’s jurisdiction. Following an initial announcement earlier this year about a PPN between Manulife and Loblaw, and as indications suggest such models appear to be having an impact on more patients, this topic will be discussed at the March OCP Board meeting. In its most recent strategic plan, OCP committed to doing what it can to protect patients from the impact of any business model that increases risks to patient safety or gets in the way of a pharmacy professional’s ability to provide care in accordance with standards and their ethical responsibilities. OCP will re-examine its jurisdiction and the impact it can have within its mandate and will work with government and other partners to explore how to achieve this goal."

re: Corporate Quotas on patient/provider safety
How did we get here? College aware that this is a long term issue
esp. since 2017-2018 ESA call for change (pharmacist lunch breaks) were not changed

- OCP wanted to ensure autonomy of pharmacists to allow flexibility in practice

- the ongoing noise and concern about business decisions impacting pharmacy practice became Strategic Goal #1 for OCP's 2024 operational plan; OCP not ready to implement actions yet but needed jurisdictional environmental scan - will start this year

- OCP aware of the media and questions about why OCP wasn't doing anything. 

- Scope of OCP may be limited in this regard; OCP has jurisdiction over pharmacists and pharmacy accreditations; OCP can also propose legislation to government around scope of practice quality assurance, and registration.

The survey results were accurately summarized at the board meeting, and OCP is brainstorming session outcomes.

March 25

OCP issues a zero-tolerance statement on business practices that interrupt pharmacy/patient care, as part of the short-term 

March 27

CBC article on the outcomes of OCP's board meeting. 

******

And now it is April 2nd! In the hopes of publishing this timely blog post soon I have stopped doing research. Although the journey of reading through all these news articles and reddit posts was fun, it also brought me an underlying anxiety about the future of the profession. The future is uncertain, for now.

Extra reddit posts:

https://www.reddit.com/r/ShoppersDrugMart/comments/1anjst5/professional_services_in_pharmacy_has_gotten_out/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ontario/comments/1aznclx/how_can_ordinary_people_refuse_the_spam/

Snakes and Ladders

Small kindnesses are found every day. I am both a target and a victim of kindness. Sometimes I am the provider of kindness. But because I work in healthcare that cup tends to run empty most of the time, or so it feels recently. Today a stranger asked me how to get to Yonge and Wellesley, and I told her, "you have to walk in this direction" while pointing north. She didn't seem crazy, so I helped her. Kindness is withheld in stores. In clinics. Pharmacies. In any high-volume customer service setting really. Our cups do not fill for just anyone. 

Last week a stranger dropped all her change on the curb as she was about to cross the street. M and I along with some other strangers who were about to cross helped her pick up the change. She said gratefully, “you guys are AWESOME.” Also last week my Uber driver helped me load and unload my furniture into his car, even though I said I could handle it. Another kindness is being welcomed when visiting M’s mom’s place. As a kid, visiting friends’ places meant coming and going with politeness and hushed movements, not disturbing the tranquility and forced perfection of the asian household. There’s none of that now. Maybe it means I am growing up and slowly realizing that it is okay to accept the kindness of others. K helped me realize this, whether he knew it or not. 

The Toronto winds howl, and the people wander the street wear winter coats, light spring jackets, sweatpants and hoodies, the outfits as confusing as the weather itself.

We came across a vintage print of a snakes and ladders game in a bookstore during a 50% off sale day. Upon closer inspection, we found something interesting. Sympathy (bottom of the ladder) leads to Love (top of the ladder). Makes sense. Indulgence leads to illness. Indifference leads to Poverty.

In retail [pharmacy], if you hate what you’re doing, you’re going to need a new SSRI for yourself.

The title is a reference to a "Guide to Industry" document from a Reddit user. This document is eerily accurate, which you will see once you read through this post. 
My motivation for doing this: recently I've been thinking about writing from my perspective as a pharmacist: my journey,  finances, thoughts, experience, and where it's all led me. Here it is.

It all started after I graduated last year. I was finishing up the remainder of my student loans by paying rent while living in downtown toronto - a dangerous decision. I didn't want to give up this newly found nice quality of life living in a condo at the waterfront with only 2 other roommates (my previous residence was in a 7-bedroom house I shared with some pharmacy upper years). I had some trouble getting licensed due to the pandemic and due to a disclosure on my application leading to a full blown investigation, but that's a story for another day. While dealing with the headache of administration, I had to make money somehow, so I started working part time as an intern at Shoppers Drug Mart while applying to jobs. Fortunately, a couple months later I got a job at a pharma company, a 1-year contract starting 3 months after graduation. My friend referred me. Going into the job, I thought "we'll see, I might not want to stay for longer than a year anyways," mainly because I didn't want to limit my growth to one place. I was right. 

The day I got my offer, I was moving into a new condo closer to the green TTC line. I felt it was a good move at the time. In September, I started working from home, learning the ropes of this hidden industry. There were frustrating moments and rewarding moments. I became more motivated to work for self-development and to add projects to my repertoire. The corporate environment was really daunting to navigate at first, but I think people are used to being disingenuous. During one of our year-end work meetings, the company invited a high-profile manager of a basketball team (guess which) to speak to us about creating high-performance teams and passion. A lot of the things he talked about didn't apply to us. Basketball and drug manufacturing, really? He felt so passionate about his work it made me depressed. Sports is a very different industry to be in, mostly because of the public entertainment factor. I didn't think this needs to be spelled out. When he spoke about throwing his very being into basketball, the passion was there, and it felt really inspiring to be a part of his journey. When I looked around the event hall, I didn't see the same level of passion. A sad reality, but I'd rather be on the realistic side of things than tell myself lies. Ironically, if people were listening to him they'd be throwing away their corporate jobs in pursuit of their true passions. I did not attend the rest of the work meeting. The impostor syndrome felt too strong and I didn't feel like I belonged with this group of people anymore, a feeling that would sit with me through the rest of this contract. 

I spent the raw winter months in Hamilton cat sitting. Unfortunately a couple of my friend's plants died under my care. Again, I felt very fortunate that the company closed for 2 weeks in the winter, instead of having to work holiday shifts at the pharmacy.  The winter break was very needed.

~The New Year~

Somehow, everything became too much for me to deal with. Not just the stress from work, but I was also dealing with a very stressful roommate situation that led me to move out in early 2023. I hastily moved into a new basement apartment and continued working. My support network contributed to my strength and allowed me to keep going. I debated with myself back and forth, and started taking antidepressants. They helped. I wonder how many pharmacists are in the same boat as me. 

Even though I received my license in the new year, I didn't work until the summer. I didn't feel ready to start signing off on prescriptions, and even tried a training shift at one store. Prescribing for Minor Ailments had just been authorized. At first, I felt disgusted at the lack of training I received, but I wasn't surprised. There was no training for new pharmacists. I have been very anti-Shoppers as a result of some horrible placements. Some of my classmates told me they have been only taking clinical shifts, not feeling ready to prescribe yet either. When I felt ready to wield my new pharmacist title, I found a relief pharmacist job at a small Shoppers store in downtown Toronto. I managed to do a couple of evening and weekend shifts each month. The transition from calling myself a student/intern to calling myself a pharmacist felt very strange. I don't think I felt comfortable with this new identity for a while. After all, you have direct responsibility if a dispensing task goes awry and harms a patient. I kept with this schedule for a few months, becoming more and more disillusioned with the necessity of working. 

Since I moved to a different area of the city, I needed to work at a pharmacy closer to me, again, to maintain my license. I guess a blessing in disguise is that as a pharmacist, you don't need to worry about finding a community pharmacy job due to the mass pharmacist shortages that plagued Toronto since the beginning of the COVID pandemic. Shoppers recruiters send out mass email notifications about which stores are looking for part-time and full-time pharmacists, and the list for southern GTA was endless. I found another part-time dispensing position at a pharmacy nearby with a roster of homeless people that needed OAT. It definitely made for some interesting conversations. 

Slowly, without realizing, I became an anti-work believer. Having the full-time pharma job meant I needed to balance my patient care hours needed to keep my new license with the 9-5 hybrid work that came with the corporate culture. At this point, I was ready to transition into full time remote work no matter how frustrating, because of the awfulness of the alternative reality waiting for me. 

We are now in summer of 2023. I switched to a different antidepressant, because it was making me too sleepy in the daytime, despite taking them at night. The withdrawal made it hard to work for a week. Fortunately the company wasn't keeping tabs on who was online at what time of the day. My hybrid job became a game of how long I could keep my Teams status online for while struggling to concentrate to track and complete the tasks I was given. I gave up on trying to go to office 2-3 times a week, because some people on my team didn't go that often. I was still feeling this impostor syndrome, but now there was a new feeling: I didn't care about producing excellent work anymore, I just wanted to leave this position and find a team that actually valued my input. Why didn't I apply to internal jobs at this point? Probably because I felt burdened with all the things I needed to adjust, and income came first. An excerpt from my diary: "it feels like I've been running a marathon with no time to catch my breath these days. There's always things that need to be done at all times."

I decided to use the 10 vacation days I was allotted on a vacation. Upon my return, I gave 2 months notice to my landlord and signed a new lease for an apartment. I spent most of the fall months packing and finishing up my contract. They made the decision to hire another candidate to replace me instead of extending my contract, which was communicated to me in the summer. I saw it as a win-win. Clearly I wasn’t a good fit for the team because they didn't know how to use my talents and I didn’t show enough “initiative” to do a manager’s job. It felt good to leave the job and the basement.

Reading my previous journal entries, I realize I wasn't happy at this job for two reasons: the corporate environment (everyone says you should pursue extracurricular projects, but somehow all of the projects I’d asked to be on didn’t lead to anything) and the seemingly futile work I was doing, all the while trying to get the team to reply to my e-mails. As a recent graduate, I should consider myself lucky to get this highly coveted position, but I came to realize I disagreed with the way the team operated, the imbalance of resources compared to the amount of work that needed to be done, and the limitation to my development if I had stayed longer in this role. I am now happily settled in another apartment and am slowly reprocessing the year that went by. Quietly finishing my contract job without extension, moved 3 times, lost 2 friends in this process of self-development, transitioning between 3 part-time pharmacist jobs. At least I still have the energy to keep taking shifts at a new Shoppers near me. I am now motivated by the prospect of leaving Shoppers to transition into an independent pharmacy. At this point, I would still like to work in pharma because of the perks. I still feel lethargic when thinking about returning to full-time work, but at least I have more experience and more of a say in where I am working. 

My experience transitioning from school to work was not a smooth progression and definitely not the mainstream experience. In writing about this I realize that I've been at odds with myself the entire time. A sort of "identity conflict." After working my butt off in school, I wanted to relax but instead dived straight into full-time work. I definitely complained about burnout more than once that year. But what did I expect? My identity as a pharmacist took time to develop, and it took many months for me to feel comfortable practicing as a pharmacist, time that I could have spent working and not caring about "the bigger picture of patient care." Money is important at this time, and I felt I was putting myself at risk, moving right after leaving my full-time job. But I am proud that I was able to make it this far. Am I proud of being a pharmacist? I guess we will see as I grow more into the role. Ever since those American pharmacy walkouts happened, change is not too far away.

Topics for next time:

A pharmacist's status in society?

The path to being an MSL is a mainstream one

Job hunting: faking it, impostor syndrome, seeing where you are truly at

Applying for EI

The 4-day workweek, universal income, and other financial things of interest