pic dump

 

indescribable

a photo essay

i remember going out in my pjs after a big snowfall, wanting to take some pictures of the fading light. i wanted to feel comfortable. i think i just woke up from a nap and felt too lazy to change. i remember the dread i felt going back home, knowing my parents would bicker and sometimes turn their anger towards me. i remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, although less vividly than before. i remember living in a blur, feeling trapped inside my room, trying not to think too far ahead. then uploading these pictures online and joking about using them as christmas cards in an attempt to fit in, why did i do that when it didn't matter. 

this photo evokes a sense of accomplishment. the dread of returning home. the wonder at what our bodies can accomplish. a pure feeling of exploring the unknown. sad and jealous that this old friend would be gone from my life soon, not knowing what adventures he'd embark on. after this downward trek/skid/climb with tom we walked to dalhousie station, all the way from the cliffs at bowmont park. my feet were freezing, i had on a pair of converse sneakers. i just realized that i've never used google maps to search up this area, always just knew it from memory like the skin on the back of my fingers. the time i spent in that park preceded memory and smartphones. it was like living a whole different life. i remember it so vividly, i feel that life when i go back to visit but i know that i will never be able to go back. even the google street view pictures are from 2012. this picture was taken in 2013. 

those were the days of shopping at value village, burning my own cds, wearing hand me downs from friends, winter sweaters that were too big for me and posting whatever i wanted online. 

i had astutely put the caption "reminds me of home" on this one. 

i had fun taking this picture and series of photos. it was an unusually warm winter day. i took my trusty tripod and trekked into this mini ravine by the elementary school. i remember feeling like a character from richard yates sitting at the ledge. or marian from the edible woman, walking through queen's park at night. feeling sad about passing seasons, a visible reminder of lost time.

i think on most occasions the photos were taken out of boredom and loneliness. also it was (and is) a way for me to continue feeling motivated. i'd think, one more photo dump and i can move on. it also gave me an opportunity to feel relaxed and at peace with the world. i had so many doubts and uncertainties back then, i would have been 17 (2012-2013). i have over 20 pictures of the same area at bowmont park overlooking the bow river, in fall, summer, winter...i guess i never got tired of it. i'm glad i had such a nice park to develop my budding photography skills in.

i felt excited to go places and see people. i took pictures so i could commemorate the occasion. i loved fall in calgary. the leaves and air would crispen at the same time. i would slowly begin to love winter in calgary because of the fluffy white snow and the deep, unwavering silence in the suburbs. 

i guess this was a love letter to bowmont park, and not to hawkwood because there aren’t many nice parks. i think my parents became more unhappy once they had to start paying a mortgage. whatever other stuff that happened. at bowmont i had the world at my backyard and i never got to finish exploring it. but a lot of life events happened in hawkwood, like getting into university and getting into pharmacy. the time i spent at bowmont park was between junior high to high school, an unforgettable time. 

enjoy a few more minutes of sleep in the morning

 

千家灯火

长街十里华灯最初照耀

像刚才擦肩而过的恋人

不记得他们的容貌

只记得浅浅的一声低笑

和雪花在一起慢慢缭绕

因为明天还有许多美好

问北风为谁快乐地呼啸

人走在冰封的街道

心里红红的火光燃烧

我不禁只想要敞开怀抱

俯瞰万家灯火 天地一片安宁

何必明月相邀 心在风中舞蹈

今夜万家灯火 温暖情怀弥漫

天空为我倾倒 世界如此美好

雪花自在飘 

grappling

everyone is grappling for a position

everyone else is running for something or other

what am i doing 

what do i do instead

i grapple the wall in an attempt to defeat myself

i am jaded 

i have dust in my eyes 

all the while the world turns and 

everyone else stuffs their identity deep down

and wrestles their way upward

the moral of the story is to stay poor 

so you can keep your soul

12

 It’s been so long. I’ve forgotten how to celebrate others. A reminder that Jennifer and I have been friends for 12 years puts everything into perspective. What are we working so hard for. What will happen in 12 more years. Will we retain the fire and joy that was bursting out of our high school bodies? Will meeting up feel like a track and field day? We’ll be adults refined by time, like polished children, gleaming like stones. Maybe we’ll even do adult things together like shop for furniture, or take our kids/pets on play dates. But probably not if we don’t even live in the same city. It’s hard getting used to being apart all the time, equally hard adjusting to being together all the time. All i know is we’ll probably keep getting along, bringing value to each others’ lives. 

I often hear you lose more friends as you get older. Growing older means you’re taking on the burden of living a full fledged adult life, which comes with car insurance, mortgages, income tax, planning for retirement and kids, and finding a good daycare/school/tutor for those beans you popped out of yourself. And because of that time is scarce. How does one have time to meal prep and juggle jobs and kids all at once? And you have to keep up with your high school, university, post-university, and work friends. You take vacation time away from it all and feel freer than you’ve ever felt before, like standing on a glass floor  

when your parents pass away you realize that family should have been your priority all along, that holding onto these equally important connections should have been your first priority. And as you age you lose touch with people, naturally or because your internet is down for a couple of days. 

june

thurs june 24. feeling damn proud that i got 80s in last year. my gpa is higher than it was in undergrad 😂  got swabbed again fortunately 1 hour before my actual appointment. then got jianbing and bbt after work. called nina. called helen, who was fortunately off work at 430 and was okay to talk. we ate our takeout over facetime together. she misses ontario and how theres an eformulary. everything in manitoba is on pdfs. and she is doing a DI rotation now + some sterile compounding. we talked about glasses and couches. feeling relaxed and not mind boggled down with information now. realizing the schedule is one that's self imposed and i can set aside time for myself after placement to do whatever i want. timer might help. 

sat june 19. curled hair. went to kensington and bought a 手镯 from a chinese lady from 江苏. she gave me some advice and said if i wanted to go to china i should do it while im young so my career won't be delayed. it was a very practical conversation. added her on wechat. bought protein hair serum and face cleanser from the ordinary, and got free lemonade because it's brandon's birthday. talked about curly girl method with S.

fri june 18. called L and talked about stressful situations and stayed up till 1 am listening to the rain fall onto the rooftops and talking about our exes. called H and saw her new apartment in winnipeg. furniture shopping with R&K and ate pizza in the park because they bought a house in hamilton. i am excited to visit. furniture is expensive.

new preceptor is very hands off teacher, which can be nice. he breathes heavily and tries to teach me about being precise in monitoring patients and being objective at all times, but his advice is masked by an air of almost impatience or ?disappointment that i am not at the level he expects. probably. he interrupts when i present my patient to him which can be frustrating, and expects me to cite high quality CPGs/SRs but uses pubmed articles from google himself. 

thurs june 17. COVID outbreak declared on NVU unit so i got swabbed with my preceptor that day. now i have to wear a mask indoors in the common areas. also had optometrist appointment after work and got a -0.25 DS prescription for both eyes. bought kits glasses and they arrive next week. very excited. R said she had that prescription but it got worse over the years and now she is -0.75. probably was a good idea to get glasses.

sat june 12. bought used apple watch from FBM and went running with CJ around the city. 
that week my mac's hard drive "failed" and i was stressed. if I had the apple watch my heart rate that week would have been >100 bpm at all times, i feel. got it fixed and saw some live jazz at christie. overall not a bad week. been hanging with K more and more and the other K less and less. 

 July 

Bought used road bike over fbm for $225. The seat needs to be pushed forwards. Look into handlebars and lock holder

end of may

repotted my pothos and snake plants today, the roots are growing so big. my monstera is slowly unfurling its newest leaf RIDDLED with holes. 

can't believe my emergency pharmacy rotation is over. i wanna go back ahh it feels so bittersweet

i think i was able to hold up my own promise to thoroughly enjoy this rotation, which i am happy about. setting this goal has made me feel good about myself. i realize that in the past i was way too passive about my own boundaries. but now i'm striving to put myself on a higher level and prioritizing healthier things. i think having such a chill preceptor made this process 100% easier. instead of feeling embarrassed about not having the knowledge, i can just go review the day after. 

on complaining

why do we like to complain? life does not always go our way. 

i want to complain freely about people, but if you do it from a throwaway account you don't get the satisfaction of getting credit for your writing. 

blistering heat

today i dropped my tupperware and it shattered on the ground. embarrassed, i let one of the staff know and she called housekeeping. she was very nice about it and even asked if i ended up buying some lunch. i ended up buying a bagel for lunch and ate it sitting outside the hospital in the sun. it is very hot outside all of a sudden, as if summer was just a day away. 

today calling a patient made me cry in front of my preceptor. he got me tissues and said her feelings were valid but her actions were not. 

i am negotiating with myself, allowing myself to sit outside while reading notes. the excitement/motivation of the first 2 weeks has passed so i feel i need more of this. 

APPE TWH ED

Week 1

Appe day 1. Chelsea and i struggling to find out where to go for photo id and scrubs. Toronto general hospital is huge. And i wanted to get something from the starbucks with the $20 gift card i got from hackrx 2021 but there was no time, we had to keep our masks on, and i wanted to take the shuttle back to toronto western hospital but we were 2 minutes too late so we had to take the subway then streetcar. I met my preceptor for 2 hours, who seemed like a hippie dad that was full of wisdom. I went home at 4. Sliced my left ring finger open while i was cutting onions for dinner. Seems like a fitting end to a hectic day. It feels weird eating at the same time as my roomates after eating after them for so long. 

Appe day 2. I met my block 2 preceptor who is tall and mumbles to himself sometimes and stutters as if his mouth is racing to catch up to his mind. We walked from floor 4 to floor 6 which was the neurovascular stroke unit.  He presented a very broad overview of everything and we attended bullet rounds together but some administration lady said we couldn’t after the rounds and i tried a bpmh with a patient that he said was “okay”. He seemed exhausted. I kept anticipating him to ask me more clinical questions but he is probably that it’s futile given that i did no readings yet. After, we worked on documenting it on the epr and he let me go early. I went home and ate a snack then met with Chelsea to find the scrub exchange machine together. Our badges were not registered but I really wish we could have used the scrub machine. We walked to the 5th floor library which had become a respite center with jazz, free snacks, tea and coffee. Laid out on 3 tables were arts and crafts, and crosswords and sudoku puzzles.  There was a huge crossword on the wall and we contributed one There was a yoga section and a cushy armchair. We sat and decompressed and talked about our days, and chelsea ate some cookies. 

Appe day 3. Wandered around and sat and watched the pharmacist verify orders, occasionally explaining in a progressively more and more tired and rambling voice about patients and the hospital system. i did lots of "independent work" today. met with my real preceptor after to talk about our learning contract. after my shift i was walking out and saw bruce, a urology resident, eating lemon chicken and wearing slippers on a couch in the atrium. last night after i got home i cleaned the fridge area and installed the drawers i'd been meaning to for a century; the tidying felt good. today i went home and immediately showered, emailed and worked for a bit. then made dinner, cleaned dishes. i hope to eat with chelsea tomorrow at lunch. i worry that i will run out of steam writing these posts soon, but will persevere. 

Sunday. Over the weekend I sent my parents a picture of my hotpot. My dad said my mom had a fever for 3 days and wanted me to call. This was the most I've talked to them in 1 month. a two-hour phonecall, one day on and off, and today giving some recommendations for cough suppressants. She most likely has COVID but we are waiting for test results to come back. On top of everything my dad does not want to get the AZ vaccine based on a mistrust in vaccines in general. it has been uncomfortable. My mom wechat texted me good night, something she's never done before

Week 2

May 10. Worked up a COVID patient in 3 hours. got some great pointers from preceptor which i will try to incorporate into my next workup. Read about how the ED runs 24h and the massive toll of HCPs, and the horrible conditions in LTC homes. 

Resistance

People who haven't experienced depression possess an interest in people that do. Once you experience depression you don’t feel the need to chase that immersion anymore. Or something. 

Sally and Nathan part 2? I can't type creatively right now because every time I do, I visualize a word count at the bottom of the page increasing and that makes me want to shorten my sentences into something that doesn't make any sense.

"Currently, creative writing is difficult for me, as I visualize a hypothetical word count that motivates me to trim sentences." [citation]

Vancouver

The sky turned from a shining blue-white to a mellow blue-grey, then into a foggy grey blanket as we flew past all the mountains and across the Fraser river. The ocean looked beautiful from above. We descended into a hushed coastal city lulled by the gentle grey waves. Walking around the bustling core felt different from being in Toronto mainly because of the fresh air and the clean streets. Crystalline drops fell from branches and ferns by the sidewalk. I wanted to bend down and observe the microenvironment. 

The most memorable event that day was walking to the bridge by Selina’s apartment and watching a filmed action scene, with men swaying like zombies crawling onto an approaching van, starting to break the windows, ultimately dragging a screaming woman out of the car. I felt closer to Selina and Duncan after going through this shared event with them. Something good is always happening when you’re with friends. We saw two diamond rings on the sand. 

I had a packed schedule this trip. I felt genuinely excited to see Annie and Sherry, something I haven't felt in a long time, but the art at the VAG didn’t excite me at all. It was too politically and environmentally focused, and the colours some artists used looked like they were picked by a toddler drawing with crayons. Granville island was busy. We took the Aquabus across a small distance, which was funny. My pants held up to the rain, but not the wind, which was strongest at Canada place. I think it was pretty strong last time I was there too, in the summer. I had no appetite all trip, but it came back with the help of some alcohol on the last night. I’m glad I booked the airbnb myself. 

Number of ubers taken: 3

Number of compass passes bought: 2

Number of times listened to “I’m God” by clams casino: 6

Number of school things i did: 0 

Number of times i misread things: 2 

Number of times got rained on: every time i went outside 

Number of cats petted: 2 

Number of arcteryx jackets seen: probably more than 6 

Number of dollars spent: 410 ish 

fruits eaten: 1 

Coffees drank: 2 (1 decaf)

Eggs eaten: 2 

Number of times I ate Miku sushi that I didn’t pay for: 2 

Things learned:

DONT go to gastown at night cuz it’s close to east Hastings

Squamish is best for outdoor bouldering

Affordable candles at swirl (local BC VQA store) - also need 2 pieces of id to buy alcohol

Yaletown distillery > Yaletown brewery (but we went to the latter)

Bouldering is big in van- must book >3d in advance

Small victory is a popular cafe with good bread 

a complete confession (september 2020)

i remember the first time i put on my white coat, i had to hastily stuff my phone down the large pockets on the side because i was thrown into my student duties. however, its weight reassured me. everyone seemed to roll their eyes at me after i asked them a question and i was frequently embarrassed by the amount of things i didn’t know. i felt a lot of pressure on my chest. after taking my white coat off, i should have felt relief, but i felt dread knowing there was going to be another day, all day until 5 weeks had passed. i had passive aggressive thoughts about my supervisor and preceptor. they diminished by sunday and were followed by a general grumpiness on monday morning. i was probably the most upset that month than in my entire life. even though i felt it, i couldn’t express it. it was also annoying having to say “good morning” four to six times every morning. i started saying “hi” to cut down on the syllables and save energy over the day. i learned to pace myself. and to drink coffee.  

february

more rhetoric this month, along with some heavier moods that fluctuate with the season. are we living in the spring or winter. how do you know when to stop putting in effort. what will happen to my relationships in the future and how much decay can i endure. will i go on that walk today. how many hours have i spent in my room. should i see a doctor. how many pounds do i weigh and do i have the motivation to go check. how to prevent eye strain. 

there is no more -30 degree weather, but now the sun shines sharply in my eyes. i swear reading about Cathy's sun sensitivity in East of Eden makes me feel it too. it's also getting harder to run and to sleep in. i feel activated but drowsy all at once. napping came so easily in toronto, but in calgary i have to grind my teeth and wrench my covers over me until i can fall asleep. 

the research paper hangs like a curtain in the back of my mind. it's been 2 months, 3 presentations done. a fourth and fifth are to come, and still i do not tire. LOL i've been watching too much bridgerton. 

remember happier moments? like running the usual southern route down bathurst, always a quietly bustling street, and reaching the yellow cityplace bridge, slowing to a walk to admire the view of the railroads, then continuing onto canoe landing. i like to sit at the top of the hill and people watch at the dog park, and watch the cars leaving the gardiner. i'd run back to the bridge, and run up portland to queen st. it is so hard to run on queen st. after i run home, i'd make a smoothie or some japanese-inspired dish and eat it in my bright room, fully savoring all my possessions, sitting in their rightful place. 

in the midst of existing in this stuffy city i think my mind has regressed a bit. it's always returning to a place of apprehension. i act differently with my friends, and it's because i think i am not worthy. a toxic environment will do that to you, and i am reminded of my high school self again. 

nothing much to say right now except to see this as a learning experience. next, i will read the girl who played with fire. 

two stones do not make a boulder.

they cannot live in each other's shoes 

but in dissonance.

fighting a long-standing battle, 

resenting the passage of time 

procrastination

i finished reading this book today, as i was falling asleep. it was extremely mundane, but i liked the super random ending. 

it is home, but it is all clutter

"my parents are making us hotpot" she says. there is a twinge of jealousy even though I don't want hotpot. "i thought you were dating a girl," the other one says. 

this is the feeling of having something that nobody wants. they walk out into the night. the night is lukewarm at best. 

we live in a world full of maniacal chinese-american authors that speak in a loud monotone to other chinese-american authors. 

a vague opening sentence, sensitive descriptions of the snow, name drop someone no one's ever heard of, and imply you know a thing or two about pain, but use the image of a flower to describe it. this is the recipe for an avant-garde piece of writing. the writer is probably starved out of his mind after a long day of sitting at the computer typing dumb words on a bulletin board to 83 students. 

social media is destroying my productivity

hellopoetry words used