千家灯火

长街十里华灯最初照耀

像刚才擦肩而过的恋人

不记得他们的容貌

只记得浅浅的一声低笑

和雪花在一起慢慢缭绕

因为明天还有许多美好

问北风为谁快乐地呼啸

人走在冰封的街道

心里红红的火光燃烧

我不禁只想要敞开怀抱

俯瞰万家灯火 天地一片安宁

何必明月相邀 心在风中舞蹈

今夜万家灯火 温暖情怀弥漫

天空为我倾倒 世界如此美好

雪花自在飘 

grappling

everyone is grappling for a position

everyone else is running for something or other

what am i doing 

what do i do instead

i grapple the wall in an attempt to defeat myself

i am jaded 

i have dust in my eyes 

all the while the world turns and 

everyone else stuffs their identity deep down

and wrestles their way upward

the moral of the story is to stay poor 

so you can keep your soul

12

 It’s been so long. I’ve forgotten how to celebrate others. A reminder that Jennifer and I have been friends for 12 years puts everything into perspective. What are we working so hard for. What will happen in 12 more years. Will we retain the fire and joy that was bursting out of our high school bodies? Will meeting up feel like a track and field day? We’ll be adults refined by time, like polished children, gleaming like stones. Maybe we’ll even do adult things together like shop for furniture, or take our kids/pets on play dates. But probably not if we don’t even live in the same city. It’s hard getting used to being apart all the time, equally hard adjusting to being together all the time. All i know is we’ll probably keep getting along, bringing value to each others’ lives. 

I often hear you lose more friends as you get older. Growing older means you’re taking on the burden of living a full fledged adult life, which comes with car insurance, mortgages, income tax, planning for retirement and kids, and finding a good daycare/school/tutor for those beans you popped out of yourself. And because of that time is scarce. How does one have time to meal prep and juggle jobs and kids all at once? And you have to keep up with your high school, university, post-university, and work friends. You take vacation time away from it all and feel freer than you’ve ever felt before, like standing on a glass floor  

when your parents pass away you realize that family should have been your priority all along, that holding onto these equally important connections should have been your first priority. And as you age you lose touch with people, naturally or because your internet is down for a couple of days. 

june

thurs june 24. feeling damn proud that i got 80s in last year. my gpa is higher than it was in undergrad 😂  got swabbed again fortunately 1 hour before my actual appointment. then got jianbing and bbt after work. called nina. called helen, who was fortunately off work at 430 and was okay to talk. we ate our takeout over facetime together. she misses ontario and how theres an eformulary. everything in manitoba is on pdfs. and she is doing a DI rotation now + some sterile compounding. we talked about glasses and couches. feeling relaxed and not mind boggled down with information now. realizing the schedule is one that's self imposed and i can set aside time for myself after placement to do whatever i want. timer might help. 

sat june 19. curled hair. went to kensington and bought a 手镯 from a chinese lady from 江苏. she gave me some advice and said if i wanted to go to china i should do it while im young so my career won't be delayed. it was a very practical conversation. added her on wechat. bought protein hair serum and face cleanser from the ordinary, and got free lemonade because it's brandon's birthday. talked about curly girl method with S.

fri june 18. called L and talked about stressful situations and stayed up till 1 am listening to the rain fall onto the rooftops and talking about our exes. called H and saw her new apartment in winnipeg. furniture shopping with R&K and ate pizza in the park because they bought a house in hamilton. i am excited to visit. furniture is expensive.

new preceptor is very hands off teacher, which can be nice. he breathes heavily and tries to teach me about being precise in monitoring patients and being objective at all times, but his advice is masked by an air of almost impatience or ?disappointment that i am not at the level he expects. probably. he interrupts when i present my patient to him which can be frustrating, and expects me to cite high quality CPGs/SRs but uses pubmed articles from google himself. 

thurs june 17. COVID outbreak declared on NVU unit so i got swabbed with my preceptor that day. now i have to wear a mask indoors in the common areas. also had optometrist appointment after work and got a -0.25 DS prescription for both eyes. bought kits glasses and they arrive next week. very excited. R said she had that prescription but it got worse over the years and now she is -0.75. probably was a good idea to get glasses.

sat june 12. bought used apple watch from FBM and went running with CJ around the city. 
that week my mac's hard drive "failed" and i was stressed. if I had the apple watch my heart rate that week would have been >100 bpm at all times, i feel. got it fixed and saw some live jazz at christie. overall not a bad week. been hanging with K more and more and the other K less and less. 

 July 

Bought used road bike over fbm for $225. The seat needs to be pushed forwards. Look into handlebars and lock holder

end of may

repotted my pothos and snake plants today, the roots are growing so big. my monstera is slowly unfurling its newest leaf RIDDLED with holes. 

can't believe my emergency pharmacy rotation is over. i wanna go back ahh it feels so bittersweet

i think i was able to hold up my own promise to thoroughly enjoy this rotation, which i am happy about. setting this goal has made me feel good about myself. i realize that in the past i was way too passive about my own boundaries. but now i'm striving to put myself on a higher level and prioritizing healthier things. i think having such a chill preceptor made this process 100% easier. instead of feeling embarrassed about not having the knowledge, i can just go review the day after. 

on complaining

why do we like to complain? life does not always go our way. 

i want to complain freely about people, but if you do it from a throwaway account you don't get the satisfaction of getting credit for your writing. 

blistering heat

today i dropped my tupperware and it shattered on the ground. embarrassed, i let one of the staff know and she called housekeeping. she was very nice about it and even asked if i ended up buying some lunch. i ended up buying a bagel for lunch and ate it sitting outside the hospital in the sun. it is very hot outside all of a sudden, as if summer was just a day away. 

today calling a patient made me cry in front of my preceptor. he got me tissues and said her feelings were valid but her actions were not. 

i am negotiating with myself, allowing myself to sit outside while reading notes. the excitement/motivation of the first 2 weeks has passed so i feel i need more of this.