everyone is grappling for a position
everyone else is running for something or other
what am i doing
what do i do instead
i grapple the wall in an attempt to defeat myself
i am jaded
i have dust in my eyes
all the while the world turns and
everyone else stuffs their identity deep down
and wrestles their way upward
the moral of the story is to stay poor
so you can keep your soul
It’s been so long. I’ve forgotten how to celebrate others. A reminder that Jennifer and I have been friends for 12 years puts everything into perspective. What are we working so hard for. What will happen in 12 more years. Will we retain the fire and joy that was bursting out of our high school bodies? Will meeting up feel like a track and field day? We’ll be adults refined by time, like polished children, gleaming like stones. Maybe we’ll even do adult things together like shop for furniture, or take our kids/pets on play dates. But probably not if we don’t even live in the same city. It’s hard getting used to being apart all the time, equally hard adjusting to being together all the time. All i know is we’ll probably keep getting along, bringing value to each others’ lives.
I often hear you lose more friends as you get older. Growing older means you’re taking on the burden of living a full fledged adult life, which comes with car insurance, mortgages, income tax, planning for retirement and kids, and finding a good daycare/school/tutor for those beans you popped out of yourself. And because of that time is scarce. How does one have time to meal prep and juggle jobs and kids all at once? And you have to keep up with your high school, university, post-university, and work friends. You take vacation time away from it all and feel freer than you’ve ever felt before, like standing on a glass floor
when your parents pass away you realize that family should have been your priority all along, that holding onto these equally important connections should have been your first priority. And as you age you lose touch with people, naturally or because your internet is down for a couple of days.
thurs june 24. feeling damn proud that i got 80s in last year. my gpa is higher than it was in undergrad 😂 got swabbed again fortunately 1 hour before my actual appointment. then got jianbing and bbt after work. called nina. called helen, who was fortunately off work at 430 and was okay to talk. we ate our takeout over facetime together. she misses ontario and how theres an eformulary. everything in manitoba is on pdfs. and she is doing a DI rotation now + some sterile compounding. we talked about glasses and couches. feeling relaxed and not mind boggled down with information now. realizing the schedule is one that's self imposed and i can set aside time for myself after placement to do whatever i want. timer might help.
sat june 19. curled hair. went to kensington and bought a 手镯 from a chinese lady from 江苏. she gave me some advice and said if i wanted to go to china i should do it while im young so my career won't be delayed. it was a very practical conversation. added her on wechat. bought protein hair serum and face cleanser from the ordinary, and got free lemonade because it's brandon's birthday. talked about curly girl method with S.
fri june 18. called L and talked about stressful situations and stayed up till 1 am listening to the rain fall onto the rooftops and talking about our exes. called H and saw her new apartment in winnipeg. furniture shopping with R&K and ate pizza in the park because they bought a house in hamilton. i am excited to visit. furniture is expensive.
new preceptor is very hands off teacher, which can be nice. he breathes heavily and tries to teach me about being precise in monitoring patients and being objective at all times, but his advice is masked by an air of almost impatience or ?disappointment that i am not at the level he expects. probably. he interrupts when i present my patient to him which can be frustrating, and expects me to cite high quality CPGs/SRs but uses pubmed articles from google himself.
thurs june 17. COVID outbreak declared on NVU unit so i got swabbed with my preceptor that day. now i have to wear a mask indoors in the common areas. also had optometrist appointment after work and got a -0.25 DS prescription for both eyes. bought kits glasses and they arrive next week. very excited. R said she had that prescription but it got worse over the years and now she is -0.75. probably was a good idea to get glasses.
sat june 12. bought used apple watch from FBM and went running with CJ around the city.
that week my mac's hard drive "failed" and i was stressed. if I had the apple watch my heart rate that week would have been >100 bpm at all times, i feel. got it fixed and saw some live jazz at christie. overall not a bad week. been hanging with K more and more and the other K less and less.
July
Bought used road bike over fbm for $225. The seat needs to be pushed forwards. Look into handlebars and lock holder
repotted my pothos and snake plants today, the roots are growing so big. my monstera is slowly unfurling its newest leaf RIDDLED with holes.
can't believe my emergency pharmacy rotation is over. i wanna go back ahh it feels so bittersweet
why do we like to complain? life does not always go our way.
i want to complain freely about people, but if you do it from a throwaway account you don't get the satisfaction of getting credit for your writing.
today i dropped my tupperware and it shattered on the ground. embarrassed, i let one of the staff know and she called housekeeping. she was very nice about it and even asked if i ended up buying some lunch. i ended up buying a bagel for lunch and ate it sitting outside the hospital in the sun. it is very hot outside all of a sudden, as if summer was just a day away.
today calling a patient made me cry in front of my preceptor. he got me tissues and said her feelings were valid but her actions were not.
i am negotiating with myself, allowing myself to sit outside while reading notes. the excitement/motivation of the first 2 weeks has passed so i feel i need more of this.
Week 1
Appe day 1. Chelsea and i struggling to find out where to go for photo id and scrubs. Toronto general hospital is huge. And i wanted to get something from the starbucks with the $20 gift card i got from hackrx 2021 but there was no time, we had to keep our masks on, and i wanted to take the shuttle back to toronto western hospital but we were 2 minutes too late so we had to take the subway then streetcar. I met my preceptor for 2 hours, who seemed like a hippie dad that was full of wisdom. I went home at 4. Sliced my left ring finger open while i was cutting onions for dinner. Seems like a fitting end to a hectic day. It feels weird eating at the same time as my roomates after eating after them for so long.
Appe day 2. I met my block 2 preceptor who is tall and mumbles to himself sometimes and stutters as if his mouth is racing to catch up to his mind. We walked from floor 4 to floor 6 which was the neurovascular stroke unit. He presented a very broad overview of everything and we attended bullet rounds together but some administration lady said we couldn’t after the rounds and i tried a bpmh with a patient that he said was “okay”. He seemed exhausted. I kept anticipating him to ask me more clinical questions but he is probably that it’s futile given that i did no readings yet. After, we worked on documenting it on the epr and he let me go early. I went home and ate a snack then met with Chelsea to find the scrub exchange machine together. Our badges were not registered but I really wish we could have used the scrub machine. We walked to the 5th floor library which had become a respite center with jazz, free snacks, tea and coffee. Laid out on 3 tables were arts and crafts, and crosswords and sudoku puzzles. There was a huge crossword on the wall and we contributed one There was a yoga section and a cushy armchair. We sat and decompressed and talked about our days, and chelsea ate some cookies.
Appe day 3. Wandered around and sat and watched the pharmacist verify orders, occasionally explaining in a progressively more and more tired and rambling voice about patients and the hospital system. i did lots of "independent work" today. met with my real preceptor after to talk about our learning contract. after my shift i was walking out and saw bruce, a urology resident, eating lemon chicken and wearing slippers on a couch in the atrium. last night after i got home i cleaned the fridge area and installed the drawers i'd been meaning to for a century; the tidying felt good. today i went home and immediately showered, emailed and worked for a bit. then made dinner, cleaned dishes. i hope to eat with chelsea tomorrow at lunch. i worry that i will run out of steam writing these posts soon, but will persevere.
Sunday. Over the weekend I sent my parents a picture of my hotpot. My dad said my mom had a fever for 3 days and wanted me to call. This was the most I've talked to them in 1 month. a two-hour phonecall, one day on and off, and today giving some recommendations for cough suppressants. She most likely has COVID but we are waiting for test results to come back. On top of everything my dad does not want to get the AZ vaccine based on a mistrust in vaccines in general. it has been uncomfortable. My mom wechat texted me good night, something she's never done before
Week 2
May 10. Worked up a COVID patient in 3 hours. got some great pointers from preceptor which i will try to incorporate into my next workup. Read about how the ED runs 24h and the massive toll of HCPs, and the horrible conditions in LTC homes.