city life

there is an old man standing
at the pole on the train
he is cackling to himself and
tossing feet around

it's at times like this
that i wish i were invisible
playing dead to the world
living mountain

hillsides growing gingko and pine
my stones rubbed smooth
by the murky water
translucent with memories.

Liszt's Transcendental Etudes plays in the background

Suddenly, I was left with the very sobering thought of my debt. I'd graduate, attempt to pay them back, fail to, and a huge pile of interest would pile on, each day adding to the pile like the shoes in Auschwitz. Obviously there's less malicious intent. I'm not saying the government is Nazis, because I'm grateful for even the opportunity to gain so much financial support over such a long time, but at the same time I wish that $40,000 wasn't there.

I've tried intermittent fasting and tonight was the first time in 5 days that I broke my 16 hour fast. It definitely helps with willpower and keeping on top of school.

I gave my pentax camera to Sunny today. I feel its loss as a heavy paperweight on my bookshelf. We had a good run.

Inertia

It that time of year again.
Except this time I was productive and got my driver's licence. I'm driving to Annie's place tomorrow for a small party.

Now I'm stuck writing a letter of intent for Masters of Biotech at UTM. Am I a business-minded individual. I don't know. I have 2/3 references and I'm waiting on 2 professors to respond.

Imagine

Imagine if you were in a car accident yesterday. Or your electric toothbrush decided to switch into turbo mode and destroy half your face. What would you, as a girl, feel?
How would you respond to a scarred and recontoured face that was neither beautiful nor yours?

outwards or inwards

this is a question that I've asked myself the most frequently during these past two years.

I tend to see communicating with others as a phenomenon that brings you out of a shell you've created for yourself. It's important to have both attributes, a balance of extroversion and introversion. When I tutor math I feel this shell coming back. The fear of math problems came back slowly, but now that I'm going more often I fear this is going to be an endless cycle. Is it too selfish of me to ask for more chemistry students when there are clearly so many people that need help with math? And is it okay to not remember how to do a problem? 

lost in a sea of people

how do you find someone you've seen but never talk to? how do you know they're good for you?
what if you know they're within close proximity to you but you're afraid of being seen as a stalker?
how do you float in this tidal wave of loneliness?

Dream

I had a dream where I was at Subway getting a sub with lots of cheese and meat and vegetable toppings. The top bun wouldn't fit on top of the sub so I took it separately and went to do an engineering project with it. Duncan and Emily were at school already doing the project. We had to use various objects to cover telephone lines, so I brought the bread to a random telephone pole. Another friend was already there and she had put on various things like sponges and stuffed toys on the telephone lines. She was touching the lines and not getting shocked but I knew it was dangerous and angrily yelled at her. She threw down a pink cell phone and told me to call Duncan to bring more bread from the sub. I called him and he arrived quickly. I worried about the sub not being covered. We all put the bread on the telephone line.