on complaining

why do we like to complain? life does not always go our way. 

i want to complain freely about people, but if you do it from a throwaway account you don't get the satisfaction of getting credit for your writing. 

blistering heat

today i dropped my tupperware and it shattered on the ground. embarrassed, i let one of the staff know and she called housekeeping. she was very nice about it and even asked if i ended up buying some lunch. i ended up buying a bagel for lunch and ate it sitting outside the hospital in the sun. it is very hot outside all of a sudden, as if summer was just a day away. 

today calling a patient made me cry in front of my preceptor. he got me tissues and said her feelings were valid but her actions were not. 

i am negotiating with myself, allowing myself to sit outside while reading notes. the excitement/motivation of the first 2 weeks has passed so i feel i need more of this. 

APPE TWH ED

Week 1

Appe day 1. Chelsea and i struggling to find out where to go for photo id and scrubs. Toronto general hospital is huge. And i wanted to get something from the starbucks with the $20 gift card i got from hackrx 2021 but there was no time, we had to keep our masks on, and i wanted to take the shuttle back to toronto western hospital but we were 2 minutes too late so we had to take the subway then streetcar. I met my preceptor for 2 hours, who seemed like a hippie dad that was full of wisdom. I went home at 4. Sliced my left ring finger open while i was cutting onions for dinner. Seems like a fitting end to a hectic day. It feels weird eating at the same time as my roomates after eating after them for so long. 

Appe day 2. I met my block 2 preceptor who is tall and mumbles to himself sometimes and stutters as if his mouth is racing to catch up to his mind. We walked from floor 4 to floor 6 which was the neurovascular stroke unit.  He presented a very broad overview of everything and we attended bullet rounds together but some administration lady said we couldn’t after the rounds and i tried a bpmh with a patient that he said was “okay”. He seemed exhausted. I kept anticipating him to ask me more clinical questions but he is probably that it’s futile given that i did no readings yet. After, we worked on documenting it on the epr and he let me go early. I went home and ate a snack then met with Chelsea to find the scrub exchange machine together. Our badges were not registered but I really wish we could have used the scrub machine. We walked to the 5th floor library which had become a respite center with jazz, free snacks, tea and coffee. Laid out on 3 tables were arts and crafts, and crosswords and sudoku puzzles.  There was a huge crossword on the wall and we contributed one There was a yoga section and a cushy armchair. We sat and decompressed and talked about our days, and chelsea ate some cookies. 

Appe day 3. Wandered around and sat and watched the pharmacist verify orders, occasionally explaining in a progressively more and more tired and rambling voice about patients and the hospital system. i did lots of "independent work" today. met with my real preceptor after to talk about our learning contract. after my shift i was walking out and saw bruce, a urology resident, eating lemon chicken and wearing slippers on a couch in the atrium. last night after i got home i cleaned the fridge area and installed the drawers i'd been meaning to for a century; the tidying felt good. today i went home and immediately showered, emailed and worked for a bit. then made dinner, cleaned dishes. i hope to eat with chelsea tomorrow at lunch. i worry that i will run out of steam writing these posts soon, but will persevere. 

Sunday. Over the weekend I sent my parents a picture of my hotpot. My dad said my mom had a fever for 3 days and wanted me to call. This was the most I've talked to them in 1 month. a two-hour phonecall, one day on and off, and today giving some recommendations for cough suppressants. She most likely has COVID but we are waiting for test results to come back. On top of everything my dad does not want to get the AZ vaccine based on a mistrust in vaccines in general. it has been uncomfortable. My mom wechat texted me good night, something she's never done before

Week 2

May 10. Worked up a COVID patient in 3 hours. got some great pointers from preceptor which i will try to incorporate into my next workup. Read about how the ED runs 24h and the massive toll of HCPs, and the horrible conditions in LTC homes.