Resistance

People who haven't experienced depression possess an interest in people that do. Once you experience depression you don’t feel the need to chase that immersion anymore. Or something. 

Sally and Nathan part 2? I can't type creatively right now because every time I do, I visualize a word count at the bottom of the page increasing and that makes me want to shorten my sentences into something that doesn't make any sense.

"Currently, creative writing is difficult for me, as I visualize a hypothetical word count that motivates me to trim sentences." [citation]

Vancouver

The sky turned from a shining blue-white to a mellow blue-grey, then into a foggy grey blanket as we flew past all the mountains and across the Fraser river. The ocean looked beautiful from above. We descended into a hushed coastal city lulled by the gentle grey waves. Walking around the bustling core felt different from being in Toronto mainly because of the fresh air and the clean streets. Crystalline drops fell from branches and ferns by the sidewalk. I wanted to bend down and observe the microenvironment. 

The most memorable event that day was walking to the bridge by Selina’s apartment and watching a filmed action scene, with men swaying like zombies crawling onto an approaching van, starting to break the windows, ultimately dragging a screaming woman out of the car. I felt closer to Selina and Duncan after going through this shared event with them. Something good is always happening when you’re with friends. We saw two diamond rings on the sand. 

I had a packed schedule this trip. I felt genuinely excited to see Annie and Sherry, something I haven't felt in a long time, but the art at the VAG didn’t excite me at all. It was too politically and environmentally focused, and the colours some artists used looked like they were picked by a toddler drawing with crayons. Granville island was busy. We took the Aquabus across a small distance, which was funny. My pants held up to the rain, but not the wind, which was strongest at Canada place. I think it was pretty strong last time I was there too, in the summer. I had no appetite all trip, but it came back with the help of some alcohol on the last night. I’m glad I booked the airbnb myself. 

Number of ubers taken: 3

Number of compass passes bought: 2

Number of times listened to “I’m God” by clams casino: 6

Number of school things i did: 0 

Number of times i misread things: 2 

Number of times got rained on: every time i went outside 

Number of cats petted: 2 

Number of arcteryx jackets seen: probably more than 6 

Number of dollars spent: 410 ish 

fruits eaten: 1 

Coffees drank: 2 (1 decaf)

Eggs eaten: 2 

Number of times I ate Miku sushi that I didn’t pay for: 2 

Things learned:

DONT go to gastown at night cuz it’s close to east Hastings

Squamish is best for outdoor bouldering

Affordable candles at swirl (local BC VQA store) - also need 2 pieces of id to buy alcohol

Yaletown distillery > Yaletown brewery (but we went to the latter)

Bouldering is big in van- must book >3d in advance

Small victory is a popular cafe with good bread 

a complete confession (september 2020)

i remember the first time i put on my white coat, i had to hastily stuff my phone down the large pockets on the side because i was thrown into my student duties. however, its weight reassured me. everyone seemed to roll their eyes at me after i asked them a question and i was frequently embarrassed by the amount of things i didn’t know. i felt a lot of pressure on my chest. after taking my white coat off, i should have felt relief, but i felt dread knowing there was going to be another day, all day until 5 weeks had passed. i had passive aggressive thoughts about my supervisor and preceptor. they diminished by sunday and were followed by a general grumpiness on monday morning. i was probably the most upset that month than in my entire life. even though i felt it, i couldn’t express it. it was also annoying having to say “good morning” four to six times every morning. i started saying “hi” to cut down on the syllables and save energy over the day. i learned to pace myself. and to drink coffee.  

february

more rhetoric this month, along with some heavier moods that fluctuate with the season. are we living in the spring or winter. how do you know when to stop putting in effort. what will happen to my relationships in the future and how much decay can i endure. will i go on that walk today. how many hours have i spent in my room. should i see a doctor. how many pounds do i weigh and do i have the motivation to go check. how to prevent eye strain. 

there is no more -30 degree weather, but now the sun shines sharply in my eyes. i swear reading about Cathy's sun sensitivity in East of Eden makes me feel it too. it's also getting harder to run and to sleep in. i feel activated but drowsy all at once. napping came so easily in toronto, but in calgary i have to grind my teeth and wrench my covers over me until i can fall asleep. 

the research paper hangs like a curtain in the back of my mind. it's been 2 months, 3 presentations done. a fourth and fifth are to come, and still i do not tire. LOL i've been watching too much bridgerton. 

remember happier moments? like running the usual southern route down bathurst, always a quietly bustling street, and reaching the yellow cityplace bridge, slowing to a walk to admire the view of the railroads, then continuing onto canoe landing. i like to sit at the top of the hill and people watch at the dog park, and watch the cars leaving the gardiner. i'd run back to the bridge, and run up portland to queen st. it is so hard to run on queen st. after i run home, i'd make a smoothie or some japanese-inspired dish and eat it in my bright room, fully savoring all my possessions, sitting in their rightful place. 

in the midst of existing in this stuffy city i think my mind has regressed a bit. it's always returning to a place of apprehension. i act differently with my friends, and it's because i think i am not worthy. a toxic environment will do that to you, and i am reminded of my high school self again. 

nothing much to say right now except to see this as a learning experience. next, i will read the girl who played with fire. 

two stones do not make a boulder.

they cannot live in each other's shoes 

but in dissonance.

fighting a long-standing battle, 

resenting the passage of time