after china

what if all my blog posts were written in between two big life events? it's like a small life came out of this waiting period, which would be pretty representative of how my life feels right now.
that would be a cool idea for a book or a comic or something. The two events being before and after:
-my trip to china (obviously)
-graduation (eh)
-moving out (eh)
-a happy mood and a distressed mood (too deep)
-the creation of my blog (whoa deep)
-my life (lol)

i put these ideas into point form because i thought there'd be more than one but honestly i ran out of good ideas after the first point.

I'm really close to graduating and moving away from Toronto, which saddens me. Before my china trip I wasn't really thinking about it, but now that I'm back and crashing on Emily's extra bed that Aron gave her before he moved back to Calgary to finish school, my life's been pretty up and down. This past week I went from neutral to despairing 

After convocation I plan to head back to Calgary and spend the rest of my summer looking for jobs. I was recently rejected for pharmacy again, so I was pretty bummed out about that. Kevin got in, though.

the level of things is just...extraordinary

I really have too many things going on at once. I should delete things. Or somehow consolidate things. Can I download my blog into pdfs?

It's april already.

I can still remember writing my last post.

In a desperate attempt to make my nails look better, I bought apricot cuticle oil from shoppers. It looks and smells delicious.

Today was a stay at home day with my e-mails, critique, and greek food. I seem to have gotten over the rejections quite well. It only took me two or three days.

Now it's the last final exam period and then China!!

i guess i should keep this going somehow

I wake up from my neighbour's bed, walk a stretch of 5 feet and enter my little hole in the wall. I check my e-mails, and deal with the rejection letter from OISE. Now all I can think about is the wall of rejection. I couldn't tell whether I should be sad or just get on with life, as these things obviously will happen. I think the best plan of action from here is just not to hide it, and embrace it fully.

i kind of have a little crush on mark ruffalo now

I'm amazed one person should not look this good as 2 different, somewhat aged characters in a movie

"research" for my essay

Mr. Hughes was said to have protected his children from details about their mother’s suicide for many years. But in at least one poem he seemed to indicate that Nicholas, who was only 1 at the time of her death, was pained even as a small child, recalling in one stanza how Nicholas’s eyes “Became wet jewels/ The hardest substance of the purest pain/ As I fed him in his high white chair." (nyt)

city life

there is an old man standing
at the pole on the train
he is cackling to himself and
tossing feet around

it's at times like this
that i wish i were invisible
playing dead to the world
living mountain

hillsides growing gingko and pine
my stones rubbed smooth
by the murky water
translucent with memories.

Liszt's Transcendental Etudes plays in the background

Suddenly, I was left with the very sobering thought of my debt. I'd graduate, attempt to pay them back, fail to, and a huge pile of interest would pile on, each day adding to the pile like the shoes in Auschwitz. Obviously there's less malicious intent. I'm not saying the government is Nazis, because I'm grateful for even the opportunity to gain so much financial support over such a long time, but at the same time I wish that $40,000 wasn't there.

I've tried intermittent fasting and tonight was the first time in 5 days that I broke my 16 hour fast. It definitely helps with willpower and keeping on top of school.

I gave my pentax camera to Sunny today. I feel its loss as a heavy paperweight on my bookshelf. We had a good run.