dark thought

Today while I was on the last season of Avatar I zoned out and had a deep thought about my life. What practical knowledge did I know--nothing, the times I've wasted, me as a nobody, living in poverty and dependence on my parents. This show I was watching was wasting so much of my time when I could have been learning a useful skill. Lots of regrets coming back all at once.

It was too terrifying to think about, so I turned my attention back to Avatar.

tonight

I dropped off my film at london drugs today and saw Olga. She said she wasn't too into being social and the reason she didn't go to drumheller with ileana was because she was "socialed out". I felt bad talking to her but I understood and tried to be patient. We talked for a while about movies and Spiderman, and we attempted to make plans for saturday for pho.

Me, Tony, Selina, John, and Evan went to this ramen place called Wami Ootoya which might have been run by chinese ppl and i got a spicy tomato soup ramen which was surprisingly good. John ate the ramen challenge and wordlessly threw up later. He did not win the $45 meal because he left a centimeter of soup in his bowl, which was big enough for a rabbit's bath, or as a pot for a very large bonsai.

We talked about toronto and hamilton and what people were up to, and when John finally got back to the table after taking a walk outside we left to go to the duck pond which was a surprisingly short and sweet walk from the ramen place.

the result

I frickin saw Yihe!! at the duck pond, which was shocking. There were so many people playing pokemon GO around the pond but only we stopped to admire its beauty and talked about walking in it with our bare feet. We did a lap around the entire park and I did the exercises, because I was very excited to be out with a group of people. I was at an "advanced' chin-ups level but only "beginner" lifting leg level. I think Yihe left antisocially after he heard our group. We talked more about research and school and it was pretty nice (at least I thought). I dunno, maybe they were bored but I had a great time.

We walked back to the cars and Selina drove us to bubblemania. She needed to pee and we parked in the regular spot (not the parking lot). There was a yellow Audi car with a pikachu in the mirror. We get a table and order milk teas. Although Nina called before and wisely said if I want to sleep I should get a slushie. Now I regret it because I'm awake, which is why this post is so long.

today

i finished avatar for the 5th time.
Also my mom cut my hair and I am learning to deal with it and just let it grow out. I have a bird's nest on top.
Today Louise messaged me saying she was in calgary and was looking for something to do after dinner. I felt very tired talking to her even though i haven't talked to her in a long time. I'm also gonna see Selina + Tony today for ramen, but I don't think I'll be tired talking to them.

I suddenly remembered my "gojiccino" from london. Why not try it, I thought??

hospital visits

The other day I looked at all 3 years of my yearbook. I couldn't see myself at all in the random pictures the yearbook committee took. I realized how important a record was, so I am recording this for myself later.

My grandmother needs care and attention and the nurses at the hospital aren't paying enough of either to her, although we pay them with our insurance. Are we doing something wrong?

I go to her at lunch, she's already propped up in a chair. There's a small tv that is turned on with speakers on the bed. She sees me come in, and starts a little.

I say "Hello grandma, how are you doing today?" She then asks me a little bit about my family, like where's Maya? or how's your mom doing? Then I begin feeding her with a tray of food.

"Let's see what we have for lunch today..." I describe the food to her. She stares at me with glazed eyes and a blank expression, although her mouth is always frowning. I talk, mostly to myself. It's hard to know what makes her the most comfortable, but it's probably better than silence. I talk to her as if she's a kid. Once she had dentures on, but most of the time her upper lip collapses into her lower lip. She eats one spoonful at a time, and swallows the mouthful with difficulty.

Buddhism

I've moved into the living room. The good news is my roomate is nice and offered to buy me apples from metro last night.

I've also started learning about the buddhism philosophy and the four noble truths. It has made me feel better about a lot of things, and taught me the importance of being mindful and aware of yourself. I'm thinking of trying meditation soon, but I feel like all these bad thoughts will come out and I won't be able to embrace them fully or let go of them.

This weekend I'll be in london, and next weekend I'll be in calgary. Last weekend I was in waterloo. 3 weekends ago I was in Victoria.
I saw my friends Kevin and Sunny this week, and it was a refreshing change.

I called my parents and they are at the hospital tending to my grandma. They gave me all the gory details, and I don't think I was ready to hear them. She is having trouble eating and they had to force-feed her and it's unclear if she'll get better at this point.

at waterloo

I am fatigued beyond words. I kept falling asleep on the greyhound last night, and my sleep schedule is very crappy. I've mostly been writing things down here, but it's 14 pages and i don't know if anyone has the time or effort to read it. I'm at a computer lab now, hanging with Nina.

From my last entry things have gone downhill for me, emotionally. I've been to victoria and back, which was great, but I've been sad and unmotivated. The doctor told me I should exercise more. First I gotta fix my sleep, though. I paused to ponder what sort of voice i should write in. I came to the conclusion that I can't have a worldly experienced voice no matter how hard I try, because that's just not who I am.

I've recovered from that period and am taking it one day at a time.