Sure, i’ll go to a restaurant or an event at nathan phillips square alone but only if i’m feeling particularly spiteful or liberated one day. Most of the time I feel sad or lonely about the idea of being on my own all the time, and i think i really need to unpack that. 

Leave society

 This is always something i dreamed of doing. Moving to a small town and cutting off contact with everyone. Solely for the purpose of regaining my humanity and life force back from modern society

There would be a couple of adjustments. Like not using a smartphone and only basic mail and internet functions on the computer. 

Maybe i feel this way because living in the big city has done some harm to me after all. Instead of intellectually thriving and growing i feel all of my knowledge decaying. I feel depressed even after a course of antidepressants.  Maybe there’s a process to these stages of grief because when winter comes and the cold preserves my brain better I’ll think otherwise. But still, staring down the edge of an icy cliff on a beaten trail in the hamptons sounds nice too. I cant wait to escape into my library books. 

homeless people in toronto

it finally happened today. the normally out-of-control homeless man outside of 7-11 was found passed out on the sidewalk. a fire truck came and took him away.  

earlier today i went running and while walking home on yonge street, i passed a woman who was wearing only a t-shirt and turquoise panties and had paint on her feet and legs, and was muttering to herself. it always feels precarious walking on the same side of the road as these people, but the cruelest thing is that no one knew how she got here. so no one can help her unless they want to cause a scene. 

yesterday during my shift at the st. lawrence shoppers a bruised and disheveled woman came for her daily witnessed dose of (a very high dosage of) narcotic drugs, but there was a shortage of one of the drugs. obviously, she did not care to understand or even listen, and instead spent 20 minutes standing at the counter yelling about how she has to wait and how her ice cream that she just bought was melting. it was frustrating, but i can't imaging what her life must be like. there might be signs of domestic or sexual abuse, and human trafficking (which is on everyone's minds right now because of the campaigns going on), but we have to see past that in order to do our job. you try to express yourself, but no one is hearing you.

is it worse to live amongst perfectly dressed and clean people in a sterile city or living among these cases of humanity at its lowest and feral state? 

to me, muting life feels wrong and as a result i feel as if i've lost the creative, imaginative life force. i can't see anything past the surface right now. 

 I want to adopt either a dilute calico or ragdoll or Siamese or bonded pair of kittens

One for the history diary

 

congratulations!!

you wrote licensing exams!! you spent money!! maybe your hard-earned life can start now. 

2021 was a bit more wild and eventful. reflecting back on 2022...it feels like nothing has happened yet. i've been living in a limbo. now there's 4th covid doses and monkeypox on the news, and that utterly stupid trial between johnny depp and his ex amber heard. crazy things do happen every year, but it's hard to imagine something crazier other than what's happening right now. 

i was calmer this year. good job me. even during pebcs and osces. i guess i was trying hard to keep my heart rate down and not let the feeling take over. 

i had a good attitude towards people, and kept being honest with friends and tried to be as emotionally honest as i could. that was my new years resolution. 

as a kid, change and new adventures was fun for me, but now at 26, i feel more hesitant to engage in change. maybe that'll be my next resolution. how to better deal with change. 

vulnerability

 May 18

Tyler gaca 

Fantasy worlds

Every time i open my email i think to myself while swiping to mark as read, shut up CPHA shut up indeed linkedin who gives a fuck about ur message and words i should really unsubscribe that will show them haw haw

Having great discussions. Draft on here can be useful. Make sure to write down the ending to normal people

Oh god the psychology of it all. Marianne and connell’s relationship is something i wish for but also don’t really want because it’s so depressing. I could have one of my own, it is so cerebral yet from a distance it it only seems natural. They are drawn to each other through time and distance and I think the ending of the book really encapsulated their entire relationship. There’s no point in beating yourself up about what could’ve been. 

I think that I was pushing myself too hard to be environmentally conscious by not eating beef and not buying clothes, when even rich and poor people alike are not objectively that environmentally conscious of the way they live  

Ileana says I write candidly because i use a distinct language. But I think that only applies when I’m writing about myself. If I write about others I immediately become more objective and I have a harder time finding the words. It seems only natural to me to want to archive my writing so I can look back and rediscover who I was. I thought and I keep thinking about keeping a diary so I could write a book later, because that and itself is a much more real representation of me as a person. Because I am being more objective.  

I think about myself talking to Laurel and saying that I never really forgave her for ignoring my request to talk about our shared sexuality at the time. But I understand that she had to work things out for herself. These scenarios would be fun to write and/or read  

There are two types of people, no matter what the world tries to tell you. There are the people in fraternity clubs with the high end suits and long weekends of binge drinking and partying, and on the other hand, there are the people who sit in the dark with the glow of their computer screens reflecting off their glasses, Neo before the matrix, who catch rare glimpses of their reflection in the subway and turn away in indifference, who simper at the frat club people. I guess i would like to believe that both types of people wish to become one another. 

It’s these kinds of thoughts that make me feel like I would be a poor mother that throws her child into the abyss of the real.