indescribable

a photo essay

i remember going out in my pjs after a big snowfall, wanting to take some pictures of the fading light. i wanted to feel comfortable. i think i just woke up from a nap and felt too lazy to change. i remember the dread i felt going back home, knowing my parents would bicker and sometimes turn their anger towards me. i remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, although less vividly than before. i remember living in a blur, feeling trapped inside my room, trying not to think too far ahead. then uploading these pictures online and joking about using them as christmas cards in an attempt to fit in, why did i do that when it didn't matter. 

this photo evokes a sense of accomplishment. the dread of returning home. the wonder at what our bodies can accomplish. a pure feeling of exploring the unknown. sad and jealous that this old friend would be gone from my life soon, not knowing what adventures he'd embark on. after this downward trek/skid/climb with tom we walked to dalhousie station, all the way from the cliffs at bowmont park. my feet were freezing, i had on a pair of converse sneakers. i just realized that i've never used google maps to search up this area, always just knew it from memory like the skin on the back of my fingers. the time i spent in that park preceded memory and smartphones. it was like living a whole different life. i remember it so vividly, i feel that life when i go back to visit but i know that i will never be able to go back. even the google street view pictures are from 2012. this picture was taken in 2013. 

those were the days of shopping at value village, burning my own cds, wearing hand me downs from friends, winter sweaters that were too big for me and posting whatever i wanted online. 

i had astutely put the caption "reminds me of home" on this one. 

i had fun taking this picture and series of photos. it was an unusually warm winter day. i took my trusty tripod and trekked into this mini ravine by the elementary school. i remember feeling like a character from richard yates sitting at the ledge. or marian from the edible woman, walking through queen's park at night. feeling sad about passing seasons, a visible reminder of lost time.

i think on most occasions the photos were taken out of boredom and loneliness. also it was (and is) a way for me to continue feeling motivated. i'd think, one more photo dump and i can move on. it also gave me an opportunity to feel relaxed and at peace with the world. i had so many doubts and uncertainties back then, i would have been 17 (2012-2013). i have over 20 pictures of the same area at bowmont park overlooking the bow river, in fall, summer, winter...i guess i never got tired of it. i'm glad i had such a nice park to develop my budding photography skills in.

i felt excited to go places and see people. i took pictures so i could commemorate the occasion. i loved fall in calgary. the leaves and air would crispen at the same time. i would slowly begin to love winter in calgary because of the fluffy white snow and the deep, unwavering silence in the suburbs. 

i guess this was a love letter to bowmont park, and not to hawkwood because there aren’t many nice parks. i think my parents became more unhappy once they had to start paying a mortgage. whatever other stuff that happened. at bowmont i had the world at my backyard and i never got to finish exploring it. but a lot of life events happened in hawkwood, like getting into university and getting into pharmacy. the time i spent at bowmont park was between junior high to high school, an unforgettable time. 

enjoy a few more minutes of sleep in the morning

 

千家灯火

长街十里华灯最初照耀

像刚才擦肩而过的恋人

不记得他们的容貌

只记得浅浅的一声低笑

和雪花在一起慢慢缭绕

因为明天还有许多美好

问北风为谁快乐地呼啸

人走在冰封的街道

心里红红的火光燃烧

我不禁只想要敞开怀抱

俯瞰万家灯火 天地一片安宁

何必明月相邀 心在风中舞蹈

今夜万家灯火 温暖情怀弥漫

天空为我倾倒 世界如此美好

雪花自在飘 

grappling

everyone is grappling for a position

everyone else is running for something or other

what am i doing 

what do i do instead

i grapple the wall in an attempt to defeat myself

i am jaded 

i have dust in my eyes 

all the while the world turns and 

everyone else stuffs their identity deep down

and wrestles their way upward

the moral of the story is to stay poor 

so you can keep your soul

12

 It’s been so long. I’ve forgotten how to celebrate others. A reminder that Jennifer and I have been friends for 12 years puts everything into perspective. What are we working so hard for. What will happen in 12 more years. Will we retain the fire and joy that was bursting out of our high school bodies? Will meeting up feel like a track and field day? We’ll be adults refined by time, like polished children, gleaming like stones. Maybe we’ll even do adult things together like shop for furniture, or take our kids/pets on play dates. But probably not if we don’t even live in the same city. It’s hard getting used to being apart all the time, equally hard adjusting to being together all the time. All i know is we’ll probably keep getting along, bringing value to each others’ lives. 

I often hear you lose more friends as you get older. Growing older means you’re taking on the burden of living a full fledged adult life, which comes with car insurance, mortgages, income tax, planning for retirement and kids, and finding a good daycare/school/tutor for those beans you popped out of yourself. And because of that time is scarce. How does one have time to meal prep and juggle jobs and kids all at once? And you have to keep up with your high school, university, post-university, and work friends. You take vacation time away from it all and feel freer than you’ve ever felt before, like standing on a glass floor  

when your parents pass away you realize that family should have been your priority all along, that holding onto these equally important connections should have been your first priority. And as you age you lose touch with people, naturally or because your internet is down for a couple of days. 

june

thurs june 24. feeling damn proud that i got 80s in last year. my gpa is higher than it was in undergrad 😂  got swabbed again fortunately 1 hour before my actual appointment. then got jianbing and bbt after work. called nina. called helen, who was fortunately off work at 430 and was okay to talk. we ate our takeout over facetime together. she misses ontario and how theres an eformulary. everything in manitoba is on pdfs. and she is doing a DI rotation now + some sterile compounding. we talked about glasses and couches. feeling relaxed and not mind boggled down with information now. realizing the schedule is one that's self imposed and i can set aside time for myself after placement to do whatever i want. timer might help. 

sat june 19. curled hair. went to kensington and bought a 手镯 from a chinese lady from 江苏. she gave me some advice and said if i wanted to go to china i should do it while im young so my career won't be delayed. it was a very practical conversation. added her on wechat. bought protein hair serum and face cleanser from the ordinary, and got free lemonade because it's brandon's birthday. talked about curly girl method with S.

fri june 18. called L and talked about stressful situations and stayed up till 1 am listening to the rain fall onto the rooftops and talking about our exes. called H and saw her new apartment in winnipeg. furniture shopping with R&K and ate pizza in the park because they bought a house in hamilton. i am excited to visit. furniture is expensive.

new preceptor is very hands off teacher, which can be nice. he breathes heavily and tries to teach me about being precise in monitoring patients and being objective at all times, but his advice is masked by an air of almost impatience or ?disappointment that i am not at the level he expects. probably. he interrupts when i present my patient to him which can be frustrating, and expects me to cite high quality CPGs/SRs but uses pubmed articles from google himself. 

thurs june 17. COVID outbreak declared on NVU unit so i got swabbed with my preceptor that day. now i have to wear a mask indoors in the common areas. also had optometrist appointment after work and got a -0.25 DS prescription for both eyes. bought kits glasses and they arrive next week. very excited. R said she had that prescription but it got worse over the years and now she is -0.75. probably was a good idea to get glasses.

sat june 12. bought used apple watch from FBM and went running with CJ around the city. 
that week my mac's hard drive "failed" and i was stressed. if I had the apple watch my heart rate that week would have been >100 bpm at all times, i feel. got it fixed and saw some live jazz at christie. overall not a bad week. been hanging with K more and more and the other K less and less. 

 July 

Bought used road bike over fbm for $225. The seat needs to be pushed forwards. Look into handlebars and lock holder

end of may

repotted my pothos and snake plants today, the roots are growing so big. my monstera is slowly unfurling its newest leaf RIDDLED with holes. 

can't believe my emergency pharmacy rotation is over. i wanna go back ahh it feels so bittersweet

i think i was able to hold up my own promise to thoroughly enjoy this rotation, which i am happy about. setting this goal has made me feel good about myself. i realize that in the past i was way too passive about my own boundaries. but now i'm striving to put myself on a higher level and prioritizing healthier things. i think having such a chill preceptor made this process 100% easier. instead of feeling embarrassed about not having the knowledge, i can just go review the day after.