The haunted month

It’s funny, you pull one pen out of a jar at a stationary store and it has that rubber ballpoint protector on the end, and then you pull another pen out and it doesn’t have that tip and you’re able to test it on the paper  strip that they provide. It feels like coincidence. That somehow you know the second pen doesn’t have a tip on it. Perhaps a simple example of the universe's "quantum physics." 

This time of year, there’s a lot of dead leaves on the ground. Recently I walked by a house on Clinton Street that had a huge sunflower growing on the front lawn one summer. That sunflower is gone now, but a patch of matted leaves remains where it used to stand. I wonder if the sunflower is still underground.

- End of October

It feels like I am aimlessly wandering and spending money between my frequent visits to Mark's, escapades to Wonder Pens, and travels to Eaton centre. I've started to think more about my creative pursuits, such as how to plan out my Hobonichi weeks, A5 planner, and NaNoWriMo. In between these musings, the ongoing pressure of applying to jobs is haunting me. I told myself I needed a break, because I just spent the middle of October moving and setting up a new job and my new space, etc. But somehow, the feeling keeps returning. 

Here are some news headlines on my birthday. Perhaps I should do this every year to capture the state of the world where I spend my (n+1)th birthday.

Sometimes hazy, sometimes sharp

…is the name of my photography blog

I have added my actress writer friend on instagram. I moved mountains today. Life has a funny way of making you smile at all the chaos. My energy is back probably from the coffee and coffee chat i had today ahskdjdjfn weeeeeeeeeee

Oh yeah, and turns out “unobstructive kidney stones” still means they’re kinda obstructive.

Can’t wait to keep writing, hopefully in 1 journal this time. I can feel the universe’s entropy seeping into my journalling habits. I’ve started a work journal. 

Skills off the top of my head: 

Publication writing

Literature and landscape analysis 

Medical communications

Scientific writing

Scientific writhing

Microsoft excel

Veeva Vault suite

Ability to talk about bullshit with not a care in the world (i wish)

Delivery

 I feel very grateful to live in toronto now. I just beat the competition for a condo on the waterfront in a quiet area. Very secluded as well. Driving past the area i feel a sense of accomplishment. I won. I can drive on this long winding road by this park lined with trees, the city behind me and the lake peeking out of the leaves. The sense of newly found freedom is mine very soon. Bye to all the “hip” restaurants and concept bars. I am a step closer to my goals. 

Another win is my 1 year completed at GSK. 

crazy for stationary (inspired by Wonder Pens blog)

Once again I have bought too many things to write in. I got a new full-sized olive coloured traveller's notebook and refills from Vancouver, I still have a "test/ideas" A6 MD blank notebook. I have another MD Cotton F2 sketchbook (partially unused), and I'm still journalling in my hobonichi original 2023. 

I feel a guilty ecstasy looking at the new 2024 hobonichi planners that are out, but I really shouldn't be pre-ordering....

I haven't been drawing at all except in a TN white blank refill that I felt was less precious and more ok to waste. 

I need to practice digital drawing too.

New TN and still the same A6 hobonichi

Inside. I keep changing covers, but I think the 🐑 cover looks the best alongside the olive leather. 

 Look at this guilty pleasure purchase. All refills and accessories (for scrapbooking on the go! I think a pocket refill is the next one I need.

My first hobonichi - original A6 size in simplified Chinese. I'm surprised it is managing to stay so flat even with tickets & things pasted in (2 thick cards)! makes me even more conflicted on what to buy - Original or Weeks?

This notebook was from Nina. I think it was from China or a Chinatown. I love the changes in paper type throughout- dot, blank, kraft paper. The cover was pretty, but I must have felt like it needed some more decoration. I think at the time I had a lot of random stickers from TCAF, trips to blue mountain, random purchases…it definitely made the book more unique!

The back cover. The stamp is from Kylin’s trip to Thailand. The pizza skateboard was from a girl I went on two dates with. Taiyaki was memorable! David and I hung out and tried these big ice cream filled taiyaki. The businesses in Toronto open and close so fast it makes it the stickers much more valuable. 

A sneak peek into my MD grid notebook. Somehow I feel like the dot grid notebooks are more rarely seen on the shelves nowadays. I bought this first notebook at the Harborfront Center goods store (forgot name). I saw its unique wares after a run, and should really have gotten that flat water bottle. The store is now closed, but I remember coming upon these rows of cream white books, curiously flicking through the differently sized notebooks, clean as a cat’s tongue. The wax paper cover intrigued me. Admittedly I got tired of writing in the same-sized journal in the same format, so I started sticking random things I found on the pages. Anyways, all that to say I think this note and previous note were the real starts to my bullet journalling/scrapbook/smashbook journey that led me to my beloved TN. 

Another cool sticker added to my collection. I think the notebook’s size is B6? Plenty of room to paste big things in compared to my A6 Hobonichi. 

The quote of the year I had to introduce the journal with. Also first time including any stickers within the notebook for planned use. These dots don’t have a lot of utility I’m afraid. 

stretch

 Being careful not to feed the fb marketplace and online shopping gremlin

again i feel pulled in too many directions. maplestory at work, pharmacy on the weekends, new canadian impressionism being that spark in my week that time is always trying to slow down for. tamagotchi tomorrow, still need to set up my airtags and clean my room. sell my stuff so i can clear up my apartment. 

Worlds

It’s too difficult to be a full-time scientist and have lengthy, enjoyable, leisure time. I feel I have no choice but to be a part-time scientist. 

Just think about it 

So many articles pushed out by journals every year, by full-time academics who live in the post secondary world, where words have significant meaning. Each time a handful of papers is added to the evidence base for one of a million diseases we advance treatment, or disease state understanding, which is translated to actionable items to us, the part-time scientists and full time healthcare workers, akin to the shouting of brief directions by a farmer to his workers. In order to fully become a competent scientist, I need to stay up to date on the evidence and refresh what I know, but there’s no more capacity on that right now.

I feel so far removed from this world, that even now, reading scientific literature gives me a headache. I hated reading papers in undergrad and i still hate it. I’d rather dedicate my time to learning about the useless, such as how to wield a palette knife or the newest generation of tamagotchi. This at least gives my brain some stimulation. Perhaps my brain has craved this for a long time. 

This world of part time scientist fits me better, but there’s always guilt in not dedicating enough time to my craft, to benefit patients or society as a whole. Don’t even get me started on optimism and how it benefits leaders in the healthcare system. To be explored later.

There’s the creeping feeling that I’m not supposed to be doing this, which started in pharmacy school and now makes me stop and think at least once a year. 

Is the world of science the one for me? Have I become jaded? Is my inner chemistry somehow unbalanced or undergoing changes as I grow older? Careers can be changed, I keep telling myself, but despite these doubts I keep chugging on. These appointments cannot be missed. The work must get done. Bills need to be paid. 

Hamilton

pros:

lovely nature and trees (have yet to go hiking)

very comfy house. 

can get back to my hobbies and am making progress on my book (the three-body problem which K has his own copy of!!) 

being on my own, seeing all the things i can achieve (which is a lot so far). testing my independence and pushing it one step further by living alone, driving alone, running errands alone. 

gas stove

cons: 

the pass to like ratio. opened up hinge to see what it was like and there were lots of caucasian guys working in .... construction and receiving? ooh one crane operator. Gianluca moved back in with his mom since his stepdad got sick and realizes that's a "-ve" for some people so puts it as his first thing on his profile. Blake loves the ocean and sharks. you think you've found someone attractive, but hey he's a pipe fitter. everyone loves tacos and tequila. 

the neighbour. someone who tows your car for being in your driveway without informing you is guaranteed to be a little crazy. 

I've been agonizing over whether to buy or save on shampoo...the longer time goes on the wider the sunk cost gap grows. which leads me to...the fact that I couldn't bring a lot of favourite things (favourite sunscreen, favourite clothes, COAT??) to hamilton. 

more to come!