consumerism

 ai weiwei's birthday was today, i found out from instagram! 

but then a fact check on wiki/google showed...

I've been thinking about consumerism and capitalism a lot lately. I've been trying hard to stay happy without buying so many things, but now i feel that there's a lot of worth in buying little things to make you happy. Reflecting on my practices, like taking wind-down time every night, trying to let things/arguments/unhappy thoughts go, not doomscrolling or being more aware of my instagram usage, trying to control less, journalling more, easing the negativity out of my brain so i can wash the dishes, and such, I think that sometimes I deprive myself of things on purpose. I became interested in zen buddhism during undergrad to counterbalance the competitiveness and negativity i noticed around me, and in that environment and context it helped me to cope. But now I think it's time to re-examine my relationship with the idea that less is more. I honestly think I'm having these thoughts now because I realized it's time to buy new running shoes instead of using the same ones from my undergrad. I think I've owned 2 pairs of running shoes in my life. 

Especially as an artist-archivist I feel drawn to notebooks, stationary, painting supplies, artworks to collect, prints, stickers, washi tape, scrapbooking and archiving, making clay things. A recent purchase was a leuchtturm notebook and after i bought it i felt a bit more whole and alive. i thought of a new way to journal. drawing on the ipad is not enough for me sometimes, and i find myself reverting to more tangible/object-oriented mediums, like 3d tapes, papers, cards, layers of ink and pencil. also cleaned my ink pens (procrastinating never felt so nice) and they both write smoothly now. i even want to do something with my pill bottles/antidepressants/vials of stuff. 

I started selling some of my items that I no longer have use for and bought some tamagotchis to play with. personally i think that is in itself very zen, although sadly the joy of buying always surpasses the joy of selling. and i think i'm able to return to a mindset where i don't care really what others think about my art, i just make it to make myself happy. Re-visiting our morikids blog recently, i felt really proud of what we've accomplished. even if it's a small project that we eventually forgot about, it's still really fun to draw our OCs and be part of that world again. fleshing things out is really fun again. (hopefully) does this mean my depression is slowly fading away and there's a light at the end of that tunnel?  

parents are coming to grad. it will be hopefully a nice trip for them. time moves on, and old wounds are healing, but fresh ones open when i hear about the health of my extended family. i watched season 2 of ugly delicious today and dave chang said his son was born the day after anthony bourdain died and it was impossible to process how life and death could brush each other by so closely, as grace so elegantly put it. hearing that, i felt a bit of perspective, just for a moment. 

May 4 is almost over. There’s a nagging voice asking me where am i going and why do I keep listening to myself? Had a thought during yoga today, that I do not want to do something hard because I like tension. and that all the negativity is in my head. and lower back haha. I studied many chapters about antibiotics today and i think i am going crazy and next time i see a bacteria question i will just not care. i started posting pictures that are very personal on my fb and insta etc. it feels good to be authentically me.

My meeting with the cadth ceo and observations and learnings that came out of it 

She had a lot to contribute and we bonded over Beijing. And the best part? She added value to our talks, provided education and some tidbits of information (although I am so curious to pick her brain more). She was so curious and motivated owing, in part, to her role, but she just seemed like an overall optimistic person. We just created a whole universe of farmers (her on mental health and working from home). She was very pragmatic about patient focus and transparency from the government perspective and she encouraged me to keep working in community so I don't lose this perspective as well. 

April 18. Snow fell today in large torrents. Reading Ai Weiwei's memoir, I am both humbled and scared to be Chinese. I wonder if a girl growing up in China today feels the same sense of wonder I feel when I see snow (chrysalism). 

Flower

Empty

acoustic guitar

crystal drops

candle 

book 

Lonely feeling

philosophy 

Cards

pic dump

 

indescribable

a photo essay

i remember going out in my pjs after a big snowfall, wanting to take some pictures of the fading light. i wanted to feel comfortable. i think i just woke up from a nap and felt too lazy to change. i remember the dread i felt going back home, knowing my parents would bicker and sometimes turn their anger towards me. i remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, although less vividly than before. i remember living in a blur, feeling trapped inside my room, trying not to think too far ahead. then uploading these pictures online and joking about using them as christmas cards in an attempt to fit in, why did i do that when it didn't matter. 

this photo evokes a sense of accomplishment. the dread of returning home. the wonder at what our bodies can accomplish. a pure feeling of exploring the unknown. sad and jealous that this old friend would be gone from my life soon, not knowing what adventures he'd embark on. after this downward trek/skid/climb with tom we walked to dalhousie station, all the way from the cliffs at bowmont park. my feet were freezing, i had on a pair of converse sneakers. i just realized that i've never used google maps to search up this area, always just knew it from memory like the skin on the back of my fingers. the time i spent in that park preceded memory and smartphones. it was like living a whole different life. i remember it so vividly, i feel that life when i go back to visit but i know that i will never be able to go back. even the google street view pictures are from 2012. this picture was taken in 2013. 

those were the days of shopping at value village, burning my own cds, wearing hand me downs from friends, winter sweaters that were too big for me and posting whatever i wanted online. 

i had astutely put the caption "reminds me of home" on this one. 

i had fun taking this picture and series of photos. it was an unusually warm winter day. i took my trusty tripod and trekked into this mini ravine by the elementary school. i remember feeling like a character from richard yates sitting at the ledge. or marian from the edible woman, walking through queen's park at night. feeling sad about passing seasons, a visible reminder of lost time.

i think on most occasions the photos were taken out of boredom and loneliness. also it was (and is) a way for me to continue feeling motivated. i'd think, one more photo dump and i can move on. it also gave me an opportunity to feel relaxed and at peace with the world. i had so many doubts and uncertainties back then, i would have been 17 (2012-2013). i have over 20 pictures of the same area at bowmont park overlooking the bow river, in fall, summer, winter...i guess i never got tired of it. i'm glad i had such a nice park to develop my budding photography skills in.

i felt excited to go places and see people. i took pictures so i could commemorate the occasion. i loved fall in calgary. the leaves and air would crispen at the same time. i would slowly begin to love winter in calgary because of the fluffy white snow and the deep, unwavering silence in the suburbs. 

i guess this was a love letter to bowmont park, and not to hawkwood because there aren’t many nice parks. i think my parents became more unhappy once they had to start paying a mortgage. whatever other stuff that happened. at bowmont i had the world at my backyard and i never got to finish exploring it. but a lot of life events happened in hawkwood, like getting into university and getting into pharmacy. the time i spent at bowmont park was between junior high to high school, an unforgettable time. 

enjoy a few more minutes of sleep in the morning

 

千家灯火

长街十里华灯最初照耀

像刚才擦肩而过的恋人

不记得他们的容貌

只记得浅浅的一声低笑

和雪花在一起慢慢缭绕

因为明天还有许多美好

问北风为谁快乐地呼啸

人走在冰封的街道

心里红红的火光燃烧

我不禁只想要敞开怀抱

俯瞰万家灯火 天地一片安宁

何必明月相邀 心在风中舞蹈

今夜万家灯火 温暖情怀弥漫

天空为我倾倒 世界如此美好

雪花自在飘