May 4 is almost over. There’s a nagging voice asking me where am i going and why do I keep listening to myself? Had a thought during yoga today, that I do not want to do something hard because I like tension. and that all the negativity is in my head. and lower back haha. I studied many chapters about antibiotics today and i think i am going crazy and next time i see a bacteria question i will just not care. i started posting pictures that are very personal on my fb and insta etc. it feels good to be authentically me.

My meeting with the cadth ceo and observations and learnings that came out of it 

She had a lot to contribute and we bonded over Beijing. And the best part? She added value to our talks, provided education and some tidbits of information (although I am so curious to pick her brain more). She was so curious and motivated owing, in part, to her role, but she just seemed like an overall optimistic person. We just created a whole universe of farmers (her on mental health and working from home). She was very pragmatic about patient focus and transparency from the government perspective and she encouraged me to keep working in community so I don't lose this perspective as well. 

April 18. Snow fell today in large torrents. Reading Ai Weiwei's memoir, I am both humbled and scared to be Chinese. I wonder if a girl growing up in China today feels the same sense of wonder I feel when I see snow (chrysalism). 

Flower

Empty

acoustic guitar

crystal drops

candle 

book 

Lonely feeling

philosophy 

Cards

pic dump

 

indescribable

a photo essay

i remember going out in my pjs after a big snowfall, wanting to take some pictures of the fading light. i wanted to feel comfortable. i think i just woke up from a nap and felt too lazy to change. i remember the dread i felt going back home, knowing my parents would bicker and sometimes turn their anger towards me. i remember that feeling in the pit of my stomach, although less vividly than before. i remember living in a blur, feeling trapped inside my room, trying not to think too far ahead. then uploading these pictures online and joking about using them as christmas cards in an attempt to fit in, why did i do that when it didn't matter. 

this photo evokes a sense of accomplishment. the dread of returning home. the wonder at what our bodies can accomplish. a pure feeling of exploring the unknown. sad and jealous that this old friend would be gone from my life soon, not knowing what adventures he'd embark on. after this downward trek/skid/climb with tom we walked to dalhousie station, all the way from the cliffs at bowmont park. my feet were freezing, i had on a pair of converse sneakers. i just realized that i've never used google maps to search up this area, always just knew it from memory like the skin on the back of my fingers. the time i spent in that park preceded memory and smartphones. it was like living a whole different life. i remember it so vividly, i feel that life when i go back to visit but i know that i will never be able to go back. even the google street view pictures are from 2012. this picture was taken in 2013. 

those were the days of shopping at value village, burning my own cds, wearing hand me downs from friends, winter sweaters that were too big for me and posting whatever i wanted online. 

i had astutely put the caption "reminds me of home" on this one. 

i had fun taking this picture and series of photos. it was an unusually warm winter day. i took my trusty tripod and trekked into this mini ravine by the elementary school. i remember feeling like a character from richard yates sitting at the ledge. or marian from the edible woman, walking through queen's park at night. feeling sad about passing seasons, a visible reminder of lost time.

i think on most occasions the photos were taken out of boredom and loneliness. also it was (and is) a way for me to continue feeling motivated. i'd think, one more photo dump and i can move on. it also gave me an opportunity to feel relaxed and at peace with the world. i had so many doubts and uncertainties back then, i would have been 17 (2012-2013). i have over 20 pictures of the same area at bowmont park overlooking the bow river, in fall, summer, winter...i guess i never got tired of it. i'm glad i had such a nice park to develop my budding photography skills in.

i felt excited to go places and see people. i took pictures so i could commemorate the occasion. i loved fall in calgary. the leaves and air would crispen at the same time. i would slowly begin to love winter in calgary because of the fluffy white snow and the deep, unwavering silence in the suburbs. 

i guess this was a love letter to bowmont park, and not to hawkwood because there aren’t many nice parks. i think my parents became more unhappy once they had to start paying a mortgage. whatever other stuff that happened. at bowmont i had the world at my backyard and i never got to finish exploring it. but a lot of life events happened in hawkwood, like getting into university and getting into pharmacy. the time i spent at bowmont park was between junior high to high school, an unforgettable time. 

enjoy a few more minutes of sleep in the morning

 

千家灯火

长街十里华灯最初照耀

像刚才擦肩而过的恋人

不记得他们的容貌

只记得浅浅的一声低笑

和雪花在一起慢慢缭绕

因为明天还有许多美好

问北风为谁快乐地呼啸

人走在冰封的街道

心里红红的火光燃烧

我不禁只想要敞开怀抱

俯瞰万家灯火 天地一片安宁

何必明月相邀 心在风中舞蹈

今夜万家灯火 温暖情怀弥漫

天空为我倾倒 世界如此美好

雪花自在飘 

grappling

everyone is grappling for a position

everyone else is running for something or other

what am i doing 

what do i do instead

i grapple the wall in an attempt to defeat myself

i am jaded 

i have dust in my eyes 

all the while the world turns and 

everyone else stuffs their identity deep down

and wrestles their way upward

the moral of the story is to stay poor 

so you can keep your soul