Leave society

 This is always something i dreamed of doing. Moving to a small town and cutting off contact with everyone. Solely for the purpose of regaining my humanity and life force back from modern society

There would be a couple of adjustments. Like not using a smartphone and only basic mail and internet functions on the computer. 

Maybe i feel this way because living in the big city has done some harm to me after all. Instead of intellectually thriving and growing i feel all of my knowledge decaying. I feel depressed even after a course of antidepressants.  Maybe there’s a process to these stages of grief because when winter comes and the cold preserves my brain better I’ll think otherwise. But still, staring down the edge of an icy cliff on a beaten trail in the hamptons sounds nice too. I cant wait to escape into my library books. 

homeless people in toronto

it finally happened today. the normally out-of-control homeless man outside of 7-11 was found passed out on the sidewalk. a fire truck came and took him away.  

earlier today i went running and while walking home on yonge street, i passed a woman who was wearing only a t-shirt and turquoise panties and had paint on her feet and legs, and was muttering to herself. it always feels precarious walking on the same side of the road as these people, but the cruelest thing is that no one knew how she got here. so no one can help her unless they want to cause a scene. 

yesterday during my shift at the st. lawrence shoppers a bruised and disheveled woman came for her daily witnessed dose of (a very high dosage of) narcotic drugs, but there was a shortage of one of the drugs. obviously, she did not care to understand or even listen, and instead spent 20 minutes standing at the counter yelling about how she has to wait and how her ice cream that she just bought was melting. it was frustrating, but i can't imaging what her life must be like. there might be signs of domestic or sexual abuse, and human trafficking (which is on everyone's minds right now because of the campaigns going on), but we have to see past that in order to do our job. you try to express yourself, but no one is hearing you.

is it worse to live amongst perfectly dressed and clean people in a sterile city or living among these cases of humanity at its lowest and feral state? 

to me, muting life feels wrong and as a result i feel as if i've lost the creative, imaginative life force. i can't see anything past the surface right now.