vulnerability

 May 18

Tyler gaca 

Fantasy worlds

Every time i open my email i think to myself while swiping to mark as read, shut up CPHA shut up indeed linkedin who gives a fuck about ur message and words i should really unsubscribe that will show them haw haw

Having great discussions. Draft on here can be useful. Make sure to write down the ending to normal people

Oh god the psychology of it all. Marianne and connell’s relationship is something i wish for but also don’t really want because it’s so depressing. I could have one of my own, it is so cerebral yet from a distance it it only seems natural. They are drawn to each other through time and distance and I think the ending of the book really encapsulated their entire relationship. There’s no point in beating yourself up about what could’ve been. 

I think that I was pushing myself too hard to be environmentally conscious by not eating beef and not buying clothes, when even rich and poor people alike are not objectively that environmentally conscious of the way they live  

Ileana says I write candidly because i use a distinct language. But I think that only applies when I’m writing about myself. If I write about others I immediately become more objective and I have a harder time finding the words. It seems only natural to me to want to archive my writing so I can look back and rediscover who I was. I thought and I keep thinking about keeping a diary so I could write a book later, because that and itself is a much more real representation of me as a person. Because I am being more objective.  

I think about myself talking to Laurel and saying that I never really forgave her for ignoring my request to talk about our shared sexuality at the time. But I understand that she had to work things out for herself. These scenarios would be fun to write and/or read  

There are two types of people, no matter what the world tries to tell you. There are the people in fraternity clubs with the high end suits and long weekends of binge drinking and partying, and on the other hand, there are the people who sit in the dark with the glow of their computer screens reflecting off their glasses, Neo before the matrix, who catch rare glimpses of their reflection in the subway and turn away in indifference, who simper at the frat club people. I guess i would like to believe that both types of people wish to become one another. 

It’s these kinds of thoughts that make me feel like I would be a poor mother that throws her child into the abyss of the real. 

 

consumerism

 ai weiwei's birthday was today, i found out from instagram! 

but then a fact check on wiki/google showed...

I've been thinking about consumerism and capitalism a lot lately. I've been trying hard to stay happy without buying so many things, but now i feel that there's a lot of worth in buying little things to make you happy. Reflecting on my practices, like taking wind-down time every night, trying to let things/arguments/unhappy thoughts go, not doomscrolling or being more aware of my instagram usage, trying to control less, journalling more, easing the negativity out of my brain so i can wash the dishes, and such, I think that sometimes I deprive myself of things on purpose. I became interested in zen buddhism during undergrad to counterbalance the competitiveness and negativity i noticed around me, and in that environment and context it helped me to cope. But now I think it's time to re-examine my relationship with the idea that less is more. I honestly think I'm having these thoughts now because I realized it's time to buy new running shoes instead of using the same ones from my undergrad. I think I've owned 2 pairs of running shoes in my life. 

Especially as an artist-archivist I feel drawn to notebooks, stationary, painting supplies, artworks to collect, prints, stickers, washi tape, scrapbooking and archiving, making clay things. A recent purchase was a leuchtturm notebook and after i bought it i felt a bit more whole and alive. i thought of a new way to journal. drawing on the ipad is not enough for me sometimes, and i find myself reverting to more tangible/object-oriented mediums, like 3d tapes, papers, cards, layers of ink and pencil. also cleaned my ink pens (procrastinating never felt so nice) and they both write smoothly now. i even want to do something with my pill bottles/antidepressants/vials of stuff. 

I started selling some of my items that I no longer have use for and bought some tamagotchis to play with. personally i think that is in itself very zen, although sadly the joy of buying always surpasses the joy of selling. and i think i'm able to return to a mindset where i don't care really what others think about my art, i just make it to make myself happy. Re-visiting our morikids blog recently, i felt really proud of what we've accomplished. even if it's a small project that we eventually forgot about, it's still really fun to draw our OCs and be part of that world again. fleshing things out is really fun again. (hopefully) does this mean my depression is slowly fading away and there's a light at the end of that tunnel?  

parents are coming to grad. it will be hopefully a nice trip for them. time moves on, and old wounds are healing, but fresh ones open when i hear about the health of my extended family. i watched season 2 of ugly delicious today and dave chang said his son was born the day after anthony bourdain died and it was impossible to process how life and death could brush each other by so closely, as grace so elegantly put it. hearing that, i felt a bit of perspective, just for a moment. 

May 4 is almost over. There’s a nagging voice asking me where am i going and why do I keep listening to myself? Had a thought during yoga today, that I do not want to do something hard because I like tension. and that all the negativity is in my head. and lower back haha. I studied many chapters about antibiotics today and i think i am going crazy and next time i see a bacteria question i will just not care. i started posting pictures that are very personal on my fb and insta etc. it feels good to be authentically me.